Friday is my last day at Daycare for the Deranged, or “intensive outpatient therapy” as some people call it, and I cannot freaking wait, and I will tell you why. It marks the end of the Going To The Bin Saga, and I am more than ready to have it be over. It’ll be six weeks since I went to the bin, and holy shit, it seems like it’s been years and years since this whole nightmare began. But Friday is the last day of my aftercare plan (I don’t go on Thursdays, I CAN count, if you’re confused) and that means I can finally go back to my regular therapist, and I’m getting a new meds doctor in May, and everything seems like it’s going to be fresh and new and my holy pants, I am more than ready for a fresh start.
So much has changed in six weeks. I’ve made new friends, I’ve lived through a horrible breakup that still hurts like hell every day, I’ve learned that I can survive things I didn’t ever think I could, I’ve learned a lot about myself, I’ve grown more than a few gray hairs (not that you can see it through the dye, but I can FEEL them growing) and I’ve paid a serious price for some serious mistakes.
I’ve also learned that sometimes life ISN’T fair, and ISN’T just and ISN’T logical and I have to work through those times just like everyone else, and people will come and go from my life, and they all serve a purpose and teach a lesson and I have to keep my eyes open and be receptive to change, because there is rhyme and reason in the universe even when it feels like there isn’t anything even APPROACHING rhyme and reason, and that the cliche is true sometimes: Things really do happen for a reason. I’ll be damned if I can figure out what that reason IS sometimes, but I’m sure there’s one hidden in the bullshit and the pain somewhere.
I’m not trying to get all zen and “oh I am so full of wisdom now” and shit – I’m still an absolute mess and I always will be, but the last six weeks have been one of the absolute worst times of my life, and even during those nightmarish six weeks, I made a wonderful friend, and learned a lot about myself. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it had a silver lining, I’m not a freaking Disney character, but I never would have met Zombie Girl if I didn’t go to the bin, and I wouldn’t have the perspective of being locked up and then let out again, and there really isn’t any way of describing that – you really have to go through it (I hope none of you ever have to find out what it feels like) but if you’ve ever been behind a locked door without a key…you see the world differently after that. And I’ll carry that with me forever.
So I have one more day of sitting through group therapy, and I’ll take what I learned with me forever, and I can honestly say I’m a different person than I was six weeks ago, and it wasn’t ALL bad, and it was definitely a hell of a learning experience, one that I hopefully will NEVER have to live through again. And that’s that.
New chapter. New verse. I’m ready. Thanks so much for all the support and love y’all have given me through it all. I love every single one of you, yes I do. I’ll never forget that you didn’t abandon me in my time of need. You are all in my heart.
Okay, enough. Back to bringing the funny, right? I’m more than ready for THAT.