Okay. There’s really no way of sugarcoating everything that has gone down lately, so I’ll just do the bare bones now and we can go back to everything all navel-gazing and whatever later, yes?
Yes, I finished the outpatient program.
Yes, I went directly to the liquor store.
Yes, everything that happened before happened again.
Yes, I did spend not one but TWO weeks in the bin.
And didn’t tell everyone.
Because dear god, the shame.
The soul ripping shame.
And now I’m sick with some kind of stomach thing and my parents are helping me out under the hand to god I swear this time I’m not lying, please help me promise that THIS TIME I’m not lying and I am really honestly sick.
They’re having a hard time believing me.
And I don’t blame them a bit.
Because the shame, holy shit.
Wow, since we last spoke, all I’ve done is lie, repent for my lying, beg for not a second, but THIRD time, and gotten some kind of maybe it’s vertigo or something brought on by my new meds, which FINALLY were changed at the bin this time. I also begged them to believe me that my shaking is caused by my meds, which is part of the reason I was in the bin for so long, and my meds doc, that complete and total douchebag finally said to me “well, ALL of your meds have a tremor as a possible side effect, and I FINALLY saw a doctor about a possible physical cause as to the tremor, and he was COMPLETELY unimpressed as I sat in front of him after almost two weeks in the hospital, shaking like it was my JOB, and said it was probably the meds and some people just HAVE a tremor, and see ya later, loser.
And I’m not at MamaPop any more. At least for the foreseeable future.
And my relationships, especially with my parents and the question of truth and trust have been stretched to the final thread. Of course they have. Because I wouldn’t trust me either. I’m a shame-filled liar who has been given way too many chances and been rescued far too many times, and I’d be absolutely disgusted with me as well.
What I’m saying, I guess, is that I’m not shutting down the blog and it will continue as long as it’s something I enjoy and need as a cathartic outlet, but I don’t blame you if you stop reading. Like I said, I’ve been given far too many chances, and I’ve blown them all.
“Sorry” doesn’t cut it any more. I have to prove myself now. And it’s going to take a long time, and a lot of work, but I’m here, I’m alive, and after this ridiculous stomach bug ends, I’ll be going back to AA and work with a sponsor, and go to therapy and a NEW meds doc, and start to piece together the shambles of my life.
So that’s what I’ve been doing. Sigh.