Yeesh, It Has Been A While, Huh?

Okay. There’s really no way of sugarcoating everything that has gone down lately, so I’ll just do the bare bones now and we can go back to everything all navel-gazing and whatever later, yes?

Yes, I finished the outpatient program.

Yes, I went directly to the liquor store.

Yes, everything that happened before happened again.

Yes, I did spend not one but TWO weeks in the bin.

And didn’t tell everyone.

Because dear god, the shame.

The soul ripping shame.

And now I’m sick with some kind of stomach thing and my parents are helping me out under the hand to god I swear this time I’m not lying, please help me promise that THIS TIME I’m not lying and I am really honestly sick.

They’re having a hard time believing me.

And I don’t blame them a bit.

Because the shame, holy shit.

Wow, since we last spoke, all I’ve done is lie, repent for my lying, beg for not a second, but THIRD time, and gotten some kind of maybe it’s vertigo or something brought on by my new meds, which FINALLY were changed at the bin this time. I also begged them to believe me that my shaking is caused by my meds, which is part of the reason I was in the bin for so long, and my meds doc, that complete and total douchebag finally said to me “well, ALL of your meds have a tremor as a possible side effect, and I FINALLY saw a doctor about a possible physical cause as to the tremor, and he was COMPLETELY unimpressed as I sat in front of him after almost two weeks in the hospital, shaking like it was my JOB, and said it was probably the meds and some people just HAVE a tremor, and see ya later, loser.

And I’m not at MamaPop any more. At least for the foreseeable future.

And my relationships, especially with my parents and the question of truth and trust have been stretched to the final thread. Of course they have. Because I wouldn’t trust me either. I’m a shame-filled liar who has been given way too many chances and been rescued far too many times, and I’d be absolutely disgusted with me as well.

What I’m saying, I guess, is that I’m not shutting down the blog and it will continue as long as it’s something I enjoy and need as a cathartic outlet, but I don’t blame you if you stop reading. Like I said, I’ve been given far too many chances, and I’ve blown them all.

“Sorry” doesn’t cut it any more. I have to prove myself now. And it’s going to take a long time, and a lot of work, but I’m here, I’m alive, and after this ridiculous stomach bug ends, I’ll be going back to AA and work with a sponsor, and go to therapy and a NEW meds doc, and start to piece together the shambles of my life.

So that’s what I’ve been doing. Sigh.


Comments

Yeesh, It Has Been A While, Huh? — 53 Comments

  1. Big, fat, virtual hugs to you, sweetheart! My heart breaks for you, but I know that you have the strength within you to overcome all this nonsense and come out of it the best Banshee the world has ever seen.
    Stay strong. Be well. Keep your chin up.
    Most of all, never be afraid to ask for help. There are more people out here rooting for you than you know.
    Much love to you.

  2. Hey, I won’t quit reading as long as you have something to say. Here’s a total stranger pulling for you. You can get through this, I know it.

  3. You will get to where you need to go. And when you do (notice I do not say if) you will hear a resounding chorus of cheers from your squirrels, who will be Right Behind You. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

  4. Sorry that this sucks. I wish there was some magic wand that you could wave and addiction would just POOF! vanish. I’ve had loved ones that have struggled with, and lost, to addiction (my older brother died of a cocaine & alcohol OD). He never would try to get help. I’m thankful that you are seeking help, and please PLEASE don’t give up on yourself.

  5. You’re among friends, you know — so many of us have either been in similar straits or have other friends who are, you can just about consider us one big shaky family. It says a lot about you that you made an entertaining-as-hell post out of what had to be a miserable time. We’re not going anywhere.
    Sunflowercat last post: My 10 Best Books of 2009

  6. If we all had to be perfect we all would fail. You’re just more honest about it.
    Take care chica. You are brave and strong and I feel for you.

  7. Hey…no worries about us. You take care of you. Your readers will continue to support you and send you good and positive thoughts. We are here for you.

  8. You need to do what you have to do to get you to the point that you are comfortable and happy with yourself. If things like posting on this blog isn’t your top priority then that is fine. Folks will be with you through the long haul and if some fall to the wayside, no worries because others will jump on as you come back.

    I wish you success in the next steps ahead. And if you need an outlet and someone to listen or just walk the earth with, I’m a train ride away.

  9. Virtual hugs, babysnakes. We love all of you, even the bad bits. We are cheering for you. We KNOW you will overcome this eventually. Slips & falls along the way are to be expected, which doesn’t stop them from sucking mightily. Keep breathing. You are loved.
    BookGeekGrrl last post: Photo

  10. Been there, done that. Do the best you can, but try not to beat yourself up for being human. Humans have a design flaw and sometimes it’s hard to get and keep things in working order. We all limp around, damaged, and you are aware and working things to survive. That’s the best any of us can do.

  11. Miss B,
    After typing and deleting a gazillion times, I think the best thing I can say is: you will get there. You WILL. I did, and so will you. No matter how little faith you’re feeling in yourself, trust that you WILL make it.
    My heart breaks at all you must be thinking and feeling right now…

  12. Always rooting for you Miss B. I don’t know or understand what you are going through, I only hope that your new direction works and lets you get back to fully living again. I do miss reading your recaps – you are such an immensely talented snarker/writer that I remain in awe of your abilities. Take care of yourself chica and trust it’ll get better.
    Dawn last post: Work-Life balance Wait- what

  13. The shame I had going into the mental ward was mostly gone when I got out. I was relieved to see that many of the other patients weren’t bat-shit crazy like I thought they would be. Though they were mentally ill, they were normal and coherent. A few were even pleasant to be around.

    After being discharged, I spread the word about my stay. I was surprised by the warm reception I received. Many people, both online and offline, understood that I needed help, and none of them judged me harshly for it. Judging by the online comments on your blog, you have plenty of support. I hope it’s the same offline.

    —-

    I’ve also been given many chances, and I’ve gotten many good words from people who I never thought would ever chat with me. It’s obvious that depression and other mental problems shatter those good words into a pile of letters that mean nothing to us. Or maybe they do mean something. Even though I didn’t take my compliments seriously when depressed, I still remember them, and when I feel good, I accept them. They mean shit when I’m depressed. They mean something when I’m fine.

    Is it the same for you?

    —-

    There’s no such thing as having “too many chances.” Everyday, almost EVERYONE passes up a shit ton of chances that might have improved themselves. There’s also no such thing as “too much help.” There are some people that go into the hospital multiple times for things other than mental illness. Are they given too many chances and too much help? Fuck no. And any doctor who says otherwise isn’t a good doctor. That’s not to say that chances don’t run out for people. We can only keep someone alive for so long. But you still have many things to look forward to. So what if you pass up a bunch of chances? They will just keep on coming.

    If you forgot some of the chances you’ve taken that have helped you greatly, here are few: You started a blog. You’ve show people who you really are. You write about your problems. Many people can’t admit their problems. You can. That’s a skill.

    —-

    Towards the end of your post, you acknowledge that getting better is going to be a bitch to do, but you going to try and trudge through this shit anyway. You’re taking a chance. And getting help is helping yourself.

    —-

    When you get right down to it, we’re all dependent on something. Medicine, technology, communication, etc. Nobody is truly free. And some people, like you and me, need a little extra support on the side. Don’t be ashamed. You’re not alone.

    If you take my words as hogwash, I’ll understand. As I mentioned before, mental illness can make everything seem worthless. It sure as hell won’t make me stop reading and replying to your thoughts.

  14. Anything I write here sounds insipid and silly and that’s the last thing I want… Please just know this: we’re still in your corner.
    We’re not giving up on you.
    Don’t give up on yourself.

  15. I’ll be honest, when you didn’t post again after the previous post, I was worried about just this sort of thing. But I am SO not judging you. Not even a little. You’re struggling with an addiction (plus the big emotional stress). Lapses happen. The wagon gets fallen off of and smashed to bits. I think a lot of us have seen it or been through it enough times to know that these things happen.

    I hope you’re getting the support you need, right now. I understand if the people in your life are hurting and skittish, but I truly, truly hope they are able to be there for you right now anyway.

    *Much virtual support, sympathy & internet hugs your way.*

  16. We are all rooting for ya, and will be here as long as you keep writing. Big, squishy virtual hugs to you and the cats, and I hope the dizzy goes away soon.

  17. Please please say it’s true there’s a new meds doctor in your future. Seems to me the medical profession isn’t helping you AT ALL.

  18. You have a voice that shouldn’t and won’t be stilled.

    I wish you peace and for the squirrels to be stilled or at least take breaks!

  19. We’ll all be here to give you whatever support we can, o don’t worry about that. Meds for mental illness are a pain in the ass crapshoot (excuse the rather odd metaphor). The same drug can do absolutely nothing for one person, yet work like a charm for someone else seemingly with the same illness. And side effects! Two people in my group took prozac – one had 0 side effects, the other was vibrating like a, well, you know. He had to get off it immediately.

    As much as I hate it, you sometimes need to keep trying the next drug/combination. I know they take so long to show any therapeutic effect sometimes. If you don’t think your meds doc is right for you, or isn’t listening to you – get a new one.

    Mental illness is bad enough, but going through the therapy crap can be as bad. Just keep going. Especially when people around you think that, once you’re in therapy, everything is all fine now! NOT. It takes so much patience on your part, but do please stick to it, and it will get better.

    Bob

  20. I’m so grateful you’re okay. I missed you.
    Stay well, and do the best you can to cut yourself some slack.

    xo.

  21. I hope you find a way to work through this, to find out what you specifically need, in order to get your life back together. As a former addict, I can say it ain’t easy. But, it’s worth it.

    We all need help and support at times, and I am one of many virtual friends who sends you love and hugs.

    I will definitely miss your recaps at MamaPop (like, omg, TAR’s last pit stop was in my backyard and I have no one to talk to about it!), but I understand completely. Distractions and time pressures, you don’t need right now.

    You are a good person. Yes, you are. We are in your corner all the way.

  22. I’m glad you’re back. I missed your unique voice and the way you express yourself. I’m sorry you’re going through a rough patch. I am totally pulling for you!

  23. Oh, Sweetie! I’m sad and happy for you at the same time. Sad, because you (for some reason that you may or may not know yet) went back to drinking. Happy, because you got help. And this time, dammitall, just maybe the meds will be right, the docs will care and that small part of you that wants to believe that you are worth something wonderful to this world; will believe it (Apologies for the massive run-on).
    You may think that you have used your chances; maybe, with some, you have. And it’s easy for me to say this because I don’t have to live with you, and love you, as you are. Alcoholism, bi-polar and those stinking voices that tell you you’re not worthy of love. YOU HAVE NOT LOST YOUR CHANCES WITH ME, Danielle. And if you need Gatorade, jello, chicken soup. Then I will put some in a box and send it. I believe. But you have to believe as well.
    You are worth it, my friend.
    Much Love from Nadine and Miss Zoe Luna-The Wondercat

  24. As long as there is life in you, there is try in you. You’re doing it. Right now, you’re breathing, you’re keeping up with your appointments, you are fighting back. Why? Because it’s worth it, you are worth it. Try not to let the guilt in, you can’t go back and change things. It’s done. The best you can do is live now with all the verve and grace you can. The rest will sort itself out.

  25. We worry about you when you don’t post. So glad you’re letting us know how you’re doing. Best wishes. If all else fails to satisfy in a moment, grab the kitties and snuggle for a few minutes.

  26. Glad you’re back. Glad you got help again. I’m still here, waiting to read your words. I think I’ve always been a lurker here, but I want you to know that there are many people who care about you. So please take care of yourself.

  27. I’m not sure if I commented here before or not but I wanted to show my support because it takes some balls to admit you relapsed and messed up. And as weird as it is, people do care. I kept checking back to see if you’d updated and kept hoping everything was peachy but…I guess not. Anyway, please keep writing. And if you can’t make it through a day, make it through 15 minutes. And then another. And then another.

  28. Here is how YOUR blog post helped me today:
    I have a friend who has been batshit crazy since forever. Our decades old relationship has had more downs (he totally ignores my emails/txts/ichats) than ups. In short, he has disappointed & broken my heart in more ways than any lover I’ve ever had. (oh, but he’s just a friend, thank you Universe for that small mercy of fate) Prior to my leaving the country, he suddenly tried to make amends for a decade of willful neglect on his part. It was such a turnaround, I let it make me think, “maybe we’ll be real friends”

    Bet you know the next part: Sike! Of course he’s back to totally ignoring me & telling me nothing about himself. For personal reasons, his ignoring hurts about a 1000 X worse than before; I tried to open up to him, y’know, like you do with your friends. To resounding silence.

    Your words here & now remind me to have compassion for what I, a mostly sane person (really! :) can never understand. To have faith that I’ll forgive him this time or I wont & to just accept that, stop trying to fight so hard for so little. Just because he doesn’t love me (or himself probably) I dont have to let that keep me from loving him. Living here in India, I am reminded daily that insomuch as our cultural beliefs allow, humans are beautiful when they look out for each other without thinking of their self interest.

    KEEP WRITING EVEN IF YOU THINK IT SUCKS. Your honesty is your best tool always, humor is second. I believe in your talent & Artists always create their way out.

  29. I’m so glad you posted. I am a 40 year old woman in Northern CA with a mortgage, car payment, job, have a 3 year old (single mom) & one of your readers. Your writing helps me through the hard times because it’s real. When you post honestly I appreciate it. I think you will come out of it, the people who I can read online help me & you are one of them.

  30. Miss B, I’m so sorry this being such a pain in your ass. (Maybe it’s your 33rd year cross to bear) You will get through this. I hope some day soon you can grab “Shame” by the collar & throw him straight to hell. I don’t know if it’s Catholic Guilt or the people you’ve dealt with, but It isn’t doing you any good, kid. You gotta let it go.
    I’m very proud of you for pushing Shame aside enough to speak about what happened & move forward. I know you’re uncomfortable with the AA methods, this is a site for non-12 step programs. Maybe you can find one near you. ??
    http://alcoholism.about.com/gi/o.htm?zi=1/XJ&zTi=1&sdn=alcoholism&cdn=health&tm=116&f=00&tt=14&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//www.selfhelpgrouplocator.com/
    As for the meds, I had two that caused twitching/shaking. It wasn’t until it started that I was told that it could be permanent. ?! Ask for something else!
    Hope your tummy is feeling better. Have some pudding & curl up with the kitties. Watch some Buffy or Supernatural & forget all this for a few hours. Your little squirrels love you no matter what. You WILL be OK. Just be patient with yourself.

  31. Dearest Missy Banshee:

    I don’t buy this. I know you feel like a failure. I know that you feel like a liar. But what you is a person with an illness, in fact several illnesses that are not understood and treated well in the mental health industry. Of course some guy in a coat gave you the wrong information. Of course he made you feel like an idiot. I am so sorry that the relationship with your parents is strained, but what you need now is love and support, and I’m glad you get it here and I am sure from your other friends. Until the world starts to understand this better, there will be so much shame and the idea of “failure” or success.” This doesn’t mean that you don’t have to get back o the horse as they say, and do everything you can to take care of yourself, but I know you will because you have too much light and power and beauty for anything to diminish it Miss RIght Side up Candlight. x L.

  32. After a few weeks, well I was amazingly glad to see another post pop in the reader today.
    Thank goodness you are still alive and kicking. AS they say. I’d say kicking is a good sign some days. As all of the above comments say, lots of total lurkers and strangers are here worried for you, thinking of you when there is nothing… Funny how there are tears of relief to hear that you are still there.
    What is it that gets us so attached to strangers? Just the need for honest human thought and communication. Not to worry if it is not ‘the right thing’ to say. Just say anything.
    You are far away and I can only send you virtual hugs. But the thought is real.
    Oh, and hugs for the kitties, too. As a kitty mom I know they can be sweet and cuddly when you need them or a real PITA. Totally themselves, but we still love them. As your squirrels will love you for being totally you.

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