Warning: Navel Gazing Ahead

So I keep writing posts, and WordPress keeps EATING THEM like so many velociraptors nibble on annoying children. No drafts saved, NADA. So please understand that I KNOW I haven’t been updating but OMG I am TRYING. You can’t silence me, WordPress! You CANNOT SHUT ME UP. Ahem.

So how is everyone? I must say that I’ve been in a fog of some sort for a while these days, and not having my MamaPop deadlines to keep me on track has made me kind of lost in my own head, but this hiatus is best for everyone. But OMG I WEEP for not being able to shred this new Douchelorette to SHREDS, I mean have you SEEN this chick? Christ on the Cross, lady, KEEP IT TOGETHER.

I haven’t been in the bin, but I’ve been under close scrutiny and spend a lot of time at the parents’ house, which does things like make me eat! Three times a day! How bizarre! But it’s good because I was getting really malnourished and did NOT want to end up back in the hospital. So I am being good.

Is this what it is going to be? No man, no money, no job, nothing. I have nothing. When I was at my shrink’s the other day she said something to me that hit home, because it was something I hadn’t thought of. She said “You aren’t letting yourself grieve. Your heart was broken at your weakest moment and with all that’s going on, you never got to properly grieve your loss. You have to let yourself grieve, please. Don’t let this destroy you”

Don’t let this destroy you. Way ahead of you, doc.

Because there is a very strong feeling of emotional destruction. The other day I was watching some schmoopy lovey couple in the grocery store and my eyes started watering and I had to leave the aisle they were in. I just…I can’t do it. I am happy for all of my in-love friends, I really am, and I’m getting all these “save the date” cards for an influx of weddings and I just can’t do it right now. I can’t pull away entirely from my lost love to be happy for other people. It’s shattering. Everything reminds me of him, and everything breaks my heart all over again. I can hear the roars of the crowd “YOU MUST GET OVER THIS” but how am I to do that when I lay in bed every night alone and bound in my covers and clinging onto my woobie (my body pillow) and the tears come because this is how it’s always going to be. I’ll be the weird lady who has all the cats and I’ll be alone forever.

Because I can’t just “get over” this. I don’t know if I ever will.

Maybe that’s why I haven’t been writing. I’ve been so locked in my own head that the words just don’t come, you know?

I’ll work on that, I promise. Maybe I’ll entrust the blog to the cats for a while as I try to put myself back together. Love you all, I’ll be in touch soon.

xoxo

Miss B


Comments

Warning: Navel Gazing Ahead — 12 Comments

  1. You can always rip the Douchelorette to shreds just for us squirrels…you know, just to keep in practice.

    I’m told that eating 3 times a day is good for you. And that at least some of those 3 times shouldn’t be ice cream. Whatever.

    Send in the cats….

  2. I’m so sorry you are going through this and imiss your brilliant and hilarious commentary. You are truly a special person and have a wonderful writing voice. I second the ‘let yourself grieve’. It’s so important yet so hard since it feels so self indulgent but really, if you can and are ready the catharsis is amazing. Different situation but similar scenario. Hugs.

  3. it took me two years to not feel married any longer… and that was two years ago… I still haven’t been on a date since… part of me nows that I should try and “put myself out there” but it’s just easier to stay in here… maybe one day…
    robyn last post: my boyz

  4. Jeez. Did I write this? I. hear. you.

    Hope you find some peace as time goes on.
    Gawd, that sounds trite, but I mean it.

  5. I’d rather repress shit than feel it. But painful personal experience has taught me repressing actually makes things worse. You boil over. So, my best advice is to cry all of your tears. (You won’t ever run out of tears.) And skip the fucking weddings.
    Juli last post: Dear Juli

  6. Miss B

    Its so good to see you back here! I’ve been worried & asking Larissa to keep me updated. Hope you don’t mind my being nosy, but I feel like I need to know you’re OK. And you are you know. You get up, feed the cats, talk to people when you must. It’s not a great life, but you’ll get there.

    When my older brother died, I spent 6 months playing Little Suzie Sunshine for my parents sake. I HAD to MAKE them get out of bed, eat, talk, etc. or they would literally have drunk themselves to death. I didn’t get to grieve for a long time. When it finally hit me, it hit hard! People who I had thought were friends had the gall to tell me “C’mon, it’s been a year (2yrs, 5yrs, etc) get over it already.” I nearly punched a few of them & have severed those relationships.

    OK, it’s not quite the same thing, but any loss is shattering. And you do need to grieve. Please explain to the important people in your life that you’ll be “over it” when you’re over it & what you need to get there is their love & support.We get it. You get it. Those who don’t get it can maybe step back for awhile.

    Please, D, take care of you first & foremost. You will get through this. It takes time & patience & gentleness. Hug your cats, (Maybe teach Toby to FACE you instead of making you look at his butt =-) Have some pudding. Sleep when you feel the need & talk to friends who will listen. It helps.

    We love you.

    (P.S. Maybe if you journal what you’re feeling during all of this, it could become a NEW super sekret project….)

  7. It’s great to hear from you. I’m sorry that you are hurting so badly. I’m sending you all the strength I can to help you get through these tough times. And you will get through it somehow. You will!

  8. Miss B, I had an experience not entirely dissimilar to SelkieBlue when my Dad passed & my mom lost it. I didn’t get to grieve. I had to be the parent. That sucked beyond the telling of it, and it left me pretty messed up for a while.

    Even though I’m a hardcore avoider, I’ve learned the value of grief and grieving.

    I bottled it all up for a long time and it turned me into a pretty nasty person. And then I couldn’t figure out HOW to to let it out.

    Until I did a random Buffy re-watch and came to the ep “The Body”. I don’t know if that sort of thing would work for you, but it sure worked for me.

    I hope you’re able to find your way through, and figure out why WordPress keeps eating your posts. We’ve missed you!

  9. Eat, sleep, grieve. Maybe write a little bit, too?

    I do so miss your recaps, because HOLY HELL, Ashley is a trainwreck! And I have no one to talk to about it, so I take it out on Twitter.

    Be well. A lot of people care about you.

    (w/r/t WordPress eating your words, can you maybe write in Word and then transfer to WP? I know NOTHING about WP, so if this is assvice, please to ignore.)

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