So I keep writing posts, and WordPress keeps EATING THEM like so many velociraptors nibble on annoying children. No drafts saved, NADA. So please understand that I KNOW I haven’t been updating but OMG I am TRYING. You can’t silence me, WordPress! You CANNOT SHUT ME UP. Ahem.
So how is everyone? I must say that I’ve been in a fog of some sort for a while these days, and not having my MamaPop deadlines to keep me on track has made me kind of lost in my own head, but this hiatus is best for everyone. But OMG I WEEP for not being able to shred this new Douchelorette to SHREDS, I mean have you SEEN this chick? Christ on the Cross, lady, KEEP IT TOGETHER.
I haven’t been in the bin, but I’ve been under close scrutiny and spend a lot of time at the parents’ house, which does things like make me eat! Three times a day! How bizarre! But it’s good because I was getting really malnourished and did NOT want to end up back in the hospital. So I am being good.
Is this what it is going to be? No man, no money, no job, nothing. I have nothing. When I was at my shrink’s the other day she said something to me that hit home, because it was something I hadn’t thought of. She said “You aren’t letting yourself grieve. Your heart was broken at your weakest moment and with all that’s going on, you never got to properly grieve your loss. You have to let yourself grieve, please. Don’t let this destroy you”
Don’t let this destroy you. Way ahead of you, doc.
Because there is a very strong feeling of emotional destruction. The other day I was watching some schmoopy lovey couple in the grocery store and my eyes started watering and I had to leave the aisle they were in. I just…I can’t do it. I am happy for all of my in-love friends, I really am, and I’m getting all these “save the date” cards for an influx of weddings and I just can’t do it right now. I can’t pull away entirely from my lost love to be happy for other people. It’s shattering. Everything reminds me of him, and everything breaks my heart all over again. I can hear the roars of the crowd “YOU MUST GET OVER THIS” but how am I to do that when I lay in bed every night alone and bound in my covers and clinging onto my woobie (my body pillow) and the tears come because this is how it’s always going to be. I’ll be the weird lady who has all the cats and I’ll be alone forever.
Because I can’t just “get over” this. I don’t know if I ever will.
Maybe that’s why I haven’t been writing. I’ve been so locked in my own head that the words just don’t come, you know?
I’ll work on that, I promise. Maybe I’ll entrust the blog to the cats for a while as I try to put myself back together. Love you all, I’ll be in touch soon.