An Obituary For The Family I Will Never Have

No laughs here today, guys. But this has been rolling around in my head and it’s tormenting me, so I took off my arm brace and am braving the pain to finally get it UP, get it OUT, get it on the computer so maybe my brain can rest. Maybe. We’ll see.

I was at my shrink this morning and started crying out of the blue. I was thinking about all my past relationships, all the love I gave that was never enough, how so many guys came and tried to change me into their perfect girlfriend, but how none of them actually loved ME, for ME. And of course the relationships failed. And like always, I’m alone again now.

But it goes deeper than that. I’ve always wanted a family, in the accepted social norm, that is. Husband, kids, cats, a little house with a yard, the “perfect” social norm of a family. I love to rage against the machine, don’t get me wrong. I am, as always, a die-hard liberal commie pinko socialist feminazi loudmouth, but when people ask what I want with my life, I feel the tears tingling inside and I say “I just want a family. A happy family. That’s what I want”. And then I excuse myself to go cry in the bathroom for a while.

Is it antiquated and twee and sickingly treacly? Sure. It’s also been my dream since I was very young. I see a picture of a friend’s baby or get YET ANOTHER wedding invitation in the mail, I get that pulsing headache that comes before a storm of tears. Because that isn’t my future. I’ve accepted that now. If Outpost31 stopped loving me because of my faults, if HE did, then I don’t see ever dating again. The pain is too great, the cuts too deep.

I look at my increasingly rounded body in the mirror, the product of fistfuls of medications and self-medicating with food, and my swollen face, and I don’t recognize myself. I used to be nice looking, even pretty. Not anymore. I saw in Outpost31’s eyes as the love faded and faded and eventually turned to disdain. He probably doesn’t think that’s true, but it is. I watched that love die. And then danced the dance of denial until the night he broke the last shard of my heart.

I think about babies, toddlers, children, tweens, teens, young adults that might have had my eyes. I’ve always loved kids, loved them so much and always thought I’d have a brood of them, kids with knobby knees and frizzy curls, kids who I would try my best to teach how to be kind, open, accepting, and loving. But I’ll never have that. Or an adopted child, maybe a girl with skin like powdered chocolate and a sparkling laugh. A boy with a shock of black hair and crooked teeth. I’d love any and all of them with all my heart and soul, but that’s not going to happen either. Who would give a child to me? With my medical history? With my psychiatric file? It would never happen. So I mourn. I grieve.

I also accept it. It’s time to accept it.

I feel you rolling your eyes. Yeah, it’s navel gazing and I’m feeling OH so sorry for myself, and for fucks sake woman, get a goddamn hold of yourself. And if that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel. I can’t change that.

Today I am grieving. For the family that will never be. For the love of a man that will never be real. For that beautiful child that will never call me “mommy”.

I grieve. I mourn. I accept.


Comments

An Obituary For The Family I Will Never Have — 19 Comments

  1. I am definitely NOT rolling my eyes. This must have been hard for you.
    There is something to be said for the fact that you hold on to who you are regardless of what your exes have tried to change. You are stronger and more beautiful than you know. There is love out there for you.

  2. Miss B,

    I know it’s hard to believe, but there are a lot of us out here. I was about your age when it dawned on me that I might end up alone. I was still relatively healthy then, but I’ve been independent & “weird” (according to even my closest friends!) all my life, so guys have always been intimidated by me. I came close to the big M a few times but not close enough.

    Always wanted kids. My late brother’s daughter ended up in my care (legally) at 3 & started calling me “Mommy.” I loved it! I was a good Mom, too. Then her mother realized I would now receive Jim’s dependent-benefit, which she used for her party-lifestyle. So, she kidnapped her & I didn’t see Jess again til she was 19.

    So here I am, over 40 & alone. It does get easier. I’ve actually found ways to cope. I also realize that with my disabilities, I could never be responsible for another human being now. So there was a reason things turned out the way they did.

    You, however, are still young. And you are beautiful! Weight or not! Screw the media. You may still actually find prince charming. There are actually decent men still out there. He’ll just have to prove himself to you. And if he’s worth it, he will take the time.

    I know it’s not the same, but you do have a family here. We love you & need you & we don’t care if your eyes & nose are red from crying. I hope you can breathe easily & look forward to the future soon. <3

  3. So I’m not going to tell you to keep your head up, and I’m not going to say there’s still time. I’m not going to say there’s someone out there… or any of that shit. I feel for you and my heart feels for you. I AM going to say never say never, but yes, there’s a chance you will end up alone. The choice is are you going to continue to be a strong woman (and I do think you are strong, you may struggle, and you may “sound” crazy but if I wrote down all the things I’ve done… they’d think I was a freaking loon). I feel there’s a preconceived notion that in order to be happy as women (and really as humans) we need to have that significant other… a woman does not NEED a man, although one is nice to have around from time to time…

    I’m also not going to tell you it’ll get better w/ time, b/c that is bullshit. It SHOULD hurt, and it SHOULD take a long time to get over. Otherwise what was it that you felt, LOVE is strong and should last a long time. When that love is gone, it should hurt and it should feel like we will never overcome the hole it leaves in us. And perhaps we never really do, we just learn to walk around it so we don’t fall in.

    (((HUGS)))

  4. Man, I read this and wanted to comment right away. However, I hesitated because I did NOT want my comment to come across as smarmy, cheesy. I hemmed and hawed, but had to come back and comment because this post really, really spoke to me.

    This post was me 12 years ago. I was heartbroken, devastated at the time. I eventually had to come up with a game plan for MYSELF, that only included ME. And having that game plan is what saved my sanity.

    Everything ended up working out for me, and I am glad. But it doesn’t mean I forget those hurts. And I will try to teach my daughter to have a game plan that only includes HER.

    Also, I understand why you say the following “If Outpost31 stopped loving me because of my faults, if HE did, then I don’t see ever dating again. ” I understand it. I get it. And your situation is unique. But please don’t give up. I said those same sort of words, multiple times.

    I am wishing you peace – much, much peace.
    cagey (Kelli Oliver George) last post: Heart Beat, Pig Meat

  5. I know you did not write this for pity. I know that you had to write it for yourself, for your sanity, and for the dreams which are most dear to you. This is a beautiful piece to me, even with all of its heart wrenching sadness. Your mourning is palpable. Having a family is not easy, but I am aware of how lucky I am to have what I have. I wish and hope with all of my strength and will that you will one day find contentment, in whatever form it may take. I am sure that all of the readers of this post will agree that we love and respect you and want nothing more than for you to find love.

  6. Thank you for sharing this. It must have been very difficult to put it out there. Accepting that life isn’t always going to go as you planned is hard. I’m constantly struggling with that. I want to say all kinds of comforting and positive things, but the truth is it just plain sucks. But, it’s also true that life can and will morph and change and go in a direction you aren’t even expecting and even though it might not end up how you planned, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t going to end up being awesome. It’ll just be in a way you haven’t even imagined yet. I think you are on the path – accepting and mourning how you thought things should be will open up the awesomeness of how things are supposed to be.

    I don’t know you, but from what you share here I find you to be incredibly strong. Just know that there is one more stranger out in the world who is rooting for you and sending all kinds of positive thoughts your way. (Cheesy, I know, but it’s true!)

  7. I don’t think you’re twee, antiquated, navel gazing or any of the rest. I am not rolling my eyes. I think this post is very clear-sighted, though so sad.

    I’m still reading, and look forward to your posts.

  8. NOW what you need to do is celebrate the things you DO have. You have people who do love you in your life, family, friends, felines. Ones who love you no matter what file someone has or what size your pants are. You have shelter you have the cursed food you have a cable and internet connection (you laugh but imagine?)

    You need to learn to be as nonjudgemental of yourself as you are of others. You need to know that you are amazing. You need to know that you are briliant. You need to also FEEL these things and know them to be true.

    I also am very aware that none of these things are easy. But thankfully you have me you will remind you VERY VERY often.

    So shut up bitch, I love you

  9. Oh Miss B. I’m sorry. You are one of the strongest people I know, because you get up every day and face your demons. You acknowledge them, and you put on your armour and grab your sword and you fight them each and every day.

    (sorry about so many “and”s)

    You ARE in mourning right now, but it’s going to get easier. Even if only for the moments that you read your comments of support and positive energy and feel some peach. We’re all still here, waiting for your lovely words and your hilarious furbabies.
    Txtingmrdarcy last post: Oh God, It’s Starting Already.

  10. First of all, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. When I was a child, marriage and children was all I wanted or dreamed about. I used to cut out pictures of babies from the Sears catalog and tuck them in my drawer.

    But now I have that family, and that didn’t stop me from falling into a deep depression a few years ago.

    No matter how many people surround us in our lives or live under the same roof as us, if we do not love ourselves, we’ll never find true love from someone else.

    I’m still learning to love myself, and I have no doubt I still push those who love me away because I don’t feel deserving of it. It is a constant struggle for me, even at 48 yrs of age. One day at a time. The grass isn’t always greener… just sayin’.
    Jeanne Veillette Bowerman last post: Voyeurism, Jerks, and Energy

  11. There is still time for your dreams to come true, but they might not be in the exact form you imagine. I know my life has turned out to be very far from what I thought it would be but that doesn’t necessarily mean it sucks. You’re still so young; you might have dreams come true that you didn’t even know you wanted!

    Hugs.

  12. I could sit here and write a whole comment saying how there is still time and never give up…and blah blah but I’m not sure that is what would help. While I do believe in all those things, especially for you…that it still can happen for you no matter what and I think even with your medical history you’d be an awesome Mom…right now, all I can say is I’m sorry your grieving, I’m sorry you are having a hard time, and I am so sorry your brain turns on you and makes you think you are unworthy of all the things that you want. You are a wonderful, strong person and I hope you are able to feel happier again soon. 🙂

  13. What truly hard thoughts to share.

    I can only say… I hope you’re wrong. I hope you find what you’re looking for. I hope it’s out there for you. You deserve the life you dream of.
    Colleen last post: Ana is 3!

  14. Don’t give up hope lovey. If this is something you want, open your mind to the possibilities. I have learned through this step-parenting thing I am taking on that parenting comes in many forms. I have learned from this divorce things, that the life you want comes in many forms. Deconstruct your idea of family. What is it that appeals to you? Company? Helping helpless little people? Forming minds? Lending advice? I know that our lives will not fit the mold that we created as a child, but we can still find the most important parts of what we wanted and make them happen in a more realistic form. Children value and amount of “parenting” that you can give them in whatever capacity you can provide it. I have heard of “big brother, big sister” bonds that last a lifetime. I have heard successful people speak of the most influential people in their life and it is 50/50 on whether that person was their true parent or not. If you have love to give, let it shine and spread and it will find a target. If you can’t be there physically, you can offer your wonderfully non-judgemental perspective of a true sensitive heart in the form of a blog for troubled young souls…you will find your way. A sad discouraged resigned Danielle is no help to anyone. A hopeful loving soul with extra love to give is the kind of Danielle that will get what she wants…just maybe not in the exact form you dreamt of. I have learned that we get what we wish for…it’s just that we’re never specific enough to get quite the same version we thought we would get. Love you! xoxo

  15. Now that you have done a new post on coffee tables , no one but you will ever see this comment. Here is what occurs to me (especially after seeing your coffee table post.) You have a family. You have a wonderful mother and a father you obviously adore. You have an uncle with kids. You have others I don’t even know about. Embrace them. To not embrace them would be a terrible waste.

  16. Hi friend. I had wanted to respond to this a while back, but boy do I appreciate you and you sharing this. It made me feel less alone in the world, even though our lives are quite different. I had blogged something similar earlier this year, and like Colleen, I hope we’re both wrong. The only thing I can is that maybe your idea of family is changing, and maybe new dreams are being born right now. I hope whatever is good and loving that’s out there for you can run to meet you soon. xoxo.

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