Me: Um. Hi.
Ursula: HELLO, IS GOOD TO MEET YOU. I AM FOND OF YOUR FAZTHRER.
Me: Let’s please not talk about my dad doing a downward dog. It troubles me.
Ursula: LET US CLIMB ZEE 13 FLOORS TO MY APARTMENT, JES?
Me: Oh god, I am never telling you that I smoke. I might be pistol-whipped.
*climbs stairs, sometimes on my hands and knees as Ursula laughs and tells me “YOU KEEP GOING”
Me *this is a scene from “Saw” The stairs will never end and then the Russian lady will kick me down all of them.”
Ursula: LET US TALK.
Me: I can’t breathe. You talk.
Ursula: Here is some water. Are you tired?
Me: “Half-dead” is a better term. Is it time for bed?
Ursula: GUESS WHERE I AM FROM!
Ursula: ZINK OF SOMETHING REAL.
Ursula: I AM. GET ON THE MAT.
Me: My lungs are full of nicotine. Carry me?
Ursula: NO! Lie down on mat. LIE DOWN ON MAT!
Ursula: Vessy good. Now flatten your lumbar on zee mat.
Me: What? My what?
*Ursula shoves my spine flat on the floor.*
Me: *weakly* Oh. You meant that.
Ursula: IS GUD, RIGHT?!?!?!??!
Me: Um, yeah. This is fantastic. I don’t want to die at ALL.
Ursula: Now I will pull your arms, legs, and neck as far away from your body as I can.
Me: Doesn’t that do…bad….things to people?
Ursula: I don’t understand your English. HERE WE GO!
Me: Goodbye, world.
Ursula: NOW! WE DO THE GOOD PART!
Me: I am ready to die, God. Go ahead, because this woman is like the T-1000 and I think I have ZERO chance at getting away.
*Ursula starts covering me with (I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP) sandbags.
Ursula: “NOW RELAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Me: Actually this isn’t too bad. I lack in human touch, you see, because I’m repulsive. So the pressure is…nice.
Ursula: NOW YOU BREATHE.
Me: I…wasn’t before?
Ursula: Not correctly, no. You breathe UP and zen DOWN.
Me: Yes Ma’am.
Ursula: And zen I crush your chestbone. *CRUNCH*
Ursula: now you can breathe deep, yes?
Ursula: ZERE IS CHANCE YOU CRY NOW.
Me: No. Fucking Way.
Ursula: *massages my temples, rubs my neck*
Ursula: IS GOOD YAH?!??!?!
Me: *sniffle* is good.
Ursula: ZIS IZ YOGA!
Me: This isn’t going to be horrific AT ALL.