Miss Banshee’s First Yoga Lesson

Me: Um. Hi.

Ursula: HELLO, IS GOOD TO MEET YOU. I AM FOND OF YOUR FAZTHRER.

Me: Let’s please not talk about my dad doing a downward dog. It troubles me.

Ursula: LET US CLIMB ZEE 13 FLOORS TO MY APARTMENT, JES?

Me: Oh god, I am never telling you that I smoke. I might be pistol-whipped.

*climbs stairs, sometimes on my hands and knees as Ursula laughs and tells me “YOU KEEP GOING”

Me *this is a scene from “Saw” The stairs will never end and  then the Russian lady will kick me down all of them.”

Ursula: LET US TALK.

Me: I can’t breathe. You talk.

Ursula: Here is some water. Are you tired?

Me: “Half-dead” is a better term. Is it time for bed?

Ursula: GUESS WHERE I AM FROM!

Me: Hell?

Ursula: ZINK OF SOMETHING REAL.

Me: Russia?

Ursula: I AM. GET ON THE MAT.

Me: My lungs are full of nicotine. Carry me?

Ursula: NO! Lie down on mat. LIE DOWN ON MAT!

Me: “collapses”

Ursula: Vessy good. Now flatten your lumbar on zee mat.

Me: What? My what?

*Ursula shoves my spine flat on the floor.*

Me: *weakly* Oh. You meant that.

Ursula: IS GUD, RIGHT?!?!?!??!

Me: Um, yeah. This is fantastic. I don’t want to die at ALL.

Ursula: Now I will pull your arms, legs, and neck as far away  from your body as I can.

Me: Doesn’t that do…bad….things to people?

Ursula: I don’t understand your English. HERE WE GO!

Me: Goodbye, world.

Ursula: NOW! WE DO THE GOOD PART!

Me: I am ready to die, God. Go ahead, because this woman is like the T-1000 and I think I have ZERO chance at getting away.

*Ursula starts covering me with (I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP) sandbags.

Ursula: “NOW RELAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Me: Actually this isn’t too bad. I lack in human touch, you see, because I’m repulsive. So the pressure is…nice.

Ursula: NOW YOU BREATHE.

Me: I…wasn’t before?

Ursula: Not correctly, no. You breathe UP and zen DOWN.

Me: Yes Ma’am.

Ursula: And zen I crush your chestbone. *CRUNCH*

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Ursula: now you can breathe deep, yes?

Me: *whimper*

Ursula: ZERE IS CHANCE YOU CRY NOW.

Me: No. Fucking Way.

Ursula: *massages my temples, rubs my neck*

Ursula: IS GOOD YAH?!??!?!

Me: *sniffle* is good.

Ursula: ZIS IZ YOGA!

Me: This isn’t going to be horrific AT ALL.


Comments

Miss Banshee’s First Yoga Lesson — 10 Comments

  1. Holy buckets! Not that I want to laugh at your pain, but wow!

    That doesn’t sound anything like any yoga I’ve ever heard of, though. Are you sure this lady is for real?

  2. Hahaha! Living in India, it’s not so easy to just join a yoga studio. There are ashrams (NOT for me) and then you can just call someone to give you a “private” lesson. Um, no, that feels too much like getting a “massage” in your private home off a phone number you found painted on a wall.

    Yoga is prolly better than boot camp.

  3. Too funny! Except for the part where you refer to yourself as repulsive. Bish, please. I will cover you in hugs if we ever meet.

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