Second Verse, Same As The First…Oh Wait. Fourth Time?

Hello my wee hummingbirds. And how have you been this week? Good, I hope? No floods rushing you out of house and home? No brush fires ruining everything you own? Oh good. Guess where I’VE been!

The World: the hospital. Again.

Me: Well there’s no need to be snippy.

The World: You’re getting very easy to discern.

Me: *sulking* Still no need to be rude. *kicks dirt*

The World: And WHY were you in the hospital AGAIN?

Me: Because my pancreas is tired. Tired of booze. And my brain is too broken to realize that.

The World: But there was some good news!

Me: Um…Good? News? Have you been AROUND for the last week?

The World: You weren’t paying attention to what was going on around you?

Me: Not really. I was actually pretty concentrated on the hospital gown not showing my boob to the world.

The World: YOU WEREN’T IN THE BIN, YOU TWIT.

Me: Oh yeah. That was okay.

The World: OKAY? What the hell do you mean “okay”? You had your own room! With a television! and a bed that went up and down! If that isn’t paradise, missy, I don’t know what is.

Me: I was lonely.

The World: I’m going to be very, very patient with you right now. You live alone. You actively sequester yourself whenever you can. And now you’re WHINING about being in your own room with (albeit disgusting) food brought to you? What do you want, men in loincloths feeding you grapes, you ungrateful wench?

Me: I had no one to talk to. No phone. No internet. No visitors. Just me in that room watching reruns of “Everybody Loves Raymond” which is on every channel at some point during the day, might I add.

The World: Millions of people would have given all their teeth to have that setup.

Me: I know, and I know it makes me a horrible person, but all it did was give me endless hours in my head, repeating and repeating all my sins. I’m a bad person. Lying alone constrained by a million wires and tubes with only your thoughts will make you realize that. It was pretty awful. No. It was completely awful. I felt like the Dementors were all around me.

The World: We are not slipping into Harry Potter references, so knock it off right now.

Me: It was just…bad. And it was all my fault, wasn’t it? If I hadn’t slipped AGAIN, this wouldn’t have happened.

The World: Well, no it wouldn’t have, but bygones-

Me: Do you know how many relationships I’ve destroyed because of my bipolar and/or drinking? Three. Three men who might have treated me better if I didn’t drink. Maybe they still would have been selfish and immature and mean, but I added fuel to the fire by drinking. I could be married right now. I could have…I could have a baby. I could have a life. My meds doc doesn’t know what to do with me, my therapist is so wonderful sometimes I feel like curling up on her lap and crying till I go dry. My parents are at their wit’s end. And it’s all my fault. They can only lock me up for so long before the hospital boots me out and then where do I do? The State hospital? The street? When are people just going to give up on me?

The World: Are you finished? Because you’re playing your own funeral march and you’ve never been any good at the piano.

Me: Sorry.

The World: Listen to me. The world is fucked up. Your town had a tornado AND a hurricane in ONE WEEK and you live in motherfucking NEW JERSEY. That’s not normal! That’s fucked RIGHT UP. So things are bad. You’re used to that. And you’re also, whether you want to believe it or not, prone to good times too. Just don’t. Give. Up. That means they win. All the horrible boys you dated. All the terrible bitches who made fun of you. Do not let them win. Get up, wipe your nose, and go the hell to bed. You haven’t slept in days.

Me: I didn’t have my woobie.

The World: I know. I’m sorry.

Me: Okay. This is me holding on. Things are always better in the morning, right?

The World: right.

Me: Thank you.

The World: Oh, I’m always here. Go out on the porch and look for Orion. That always calms you down.

Me: I love you.

The World: I know.


Comments

Second Verse, Same As The First…Oh Wait. Fourth Time? — 16 Comments

  1. {{{{{{{{MisBanshee!}}}}}}}}
    So glad you’re home. The World is wise & forgiving. Snuggle your kitties, get some sleep & start Fresh & New tomorrow! Go shopping, get some comfort food & take care of your pancreas (it’s important!)
    We love you!

    P.S. You are NOT a bad person! You don’t break the law, you don’t sacrifice small children to Satan & you love animals. Stop beating yourself up (your balance does that for you. O.o )

  2. I’ve been wishing for a hospital stay. My meds aren’t working because I’ve been screwing around with other things trying to get out of the dark and twisty. I’m essentially fucked. I’ve asked for help so I can go back to working again. Why am I unloading on my beloved Banshee? Cuz its going to be me going forward. And goddamn it, I’m going to win.

  3. Ya – what everyone else has already said, since they can say it better than I can before I have had my coffee. Especially what SelkieBlue said about Satan and small children.

  4. Glad to know you are in one piece!! I was worried. Just so you know, in your absence, I started calling my little one “Banshee Baby” since she screams her head off all the time for no reason. See, you are so awesome my kid has been nicknamed after you :)Heal up and keep an eye on those mystery bruises…

  5. You’re not a bad person, Miss B. You don’t do bad things to people or cats or dogs or whatever. You’ve got a bad pattern going on, but that’s not about being a bad person. And you’re tough enough to deal with it.

    I totally understand the lonely part. I’m recently single and adjusting to all the quiet and alone time is not as easy as I had hoped it would be. I sure wouldn’t want to be in the hospital, away from my computer and all the people it keeps me connected with.

    Don’t beat yourself up. Just take care of yourself.

  6. We love you, Miss Banshee. The World loves you. And, frankly, The World would be a much shittier place without you. Just keep holding on and doing the best you can. I don’t know how or when but it’s going to get better…

  7. Some smart guy somewhere said something like that in order to win, all you gotta do when you’re knocked down 999,999 times is get up one million. All you got to do, ever, is get up one more time than you went down. And please do. We love you.

  8. I am so glad you are still alive. And like littlefluffycat said, in the process of getting up for the millionth time. You are indeed cared about and loved by many. I know personally the alcohol stranglehold. I know how it gets oh so dark. Please keep getting up. Believe me,one of these times you’ll stay up. Hugs to you.

  9. Just wanted to say that I think you are incredibly brave. I’ve suffered from OCD since I was five and more recently was diagnosed with bipolar I. It was a long and torturous journey getting the right combination of medications, a fun trip which ended with a suicidal gesture and eleven days in the hospital. For months after that I struggled with the delusions that brought me to the hospital. It has taken two years and many, many medication adjustments, but dare I say (gasp) I finally feel somewhat normal. So here is to hoping that recovery is not far off for you. It’s the process that can be so draining. Try to take it easy on yourself (I know how hard that can be) and by all means, keep writing! I find your musings very entertaining and inspirational…
    Cheryl Siler last post: Some Exciting News

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