Tis a mystery, my squirrels. Let me explain.
I have been very lax in housework, so much so that I would wander around the apartment with my fingers in my ears all “LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU NOTHING IS WRONG LA LA LET’S GO GET SOME COFFEE” which is insane, because my apartment is a disaster and I have no business drinking anything with caffeine in it anyway. So anyway, my house is a DISASTER. I’ve been begging (BEGGING!) my parents not to come over, not because I have any contraband, but because my housekeeping SUCKS and they are METICULOUS in their chores. I am not. I am a big ol’ slob. That thunder you just heard was everyone who knows me IRL yelling “DUH!” but I am a lady and I will work past that.
So yes. I’m a slob. I figure that if it annoys me, I’ll fix it, but if I have 12 string cheese wrappers just hanging out in the front room, who is that hurting? I don’t care, and the wrappers CERTAINLY don’t care, so why stress about it? (My mother is reading this right now and is losing her MIND with frustration. Say hi to my mom, guys!)
SO. On to the real story.
I’ve been cleaning out the joint for the last couple of days and I had accumulated two large bags of garbage and an empty bag of kitty litter. I put them both on my back porch, thinking “Meh, next time I go to the parking lot, I’ll shove these into the dumpster” which I thought was totally reasonable. Until this morning.
I was up at 7 AM, for no reason other than my dreams were getting SO ODD that I MADE myself wake up. This is irrelevant. I stumbled through my morning routine, bathroom, cat feeding, cigarette, medications. All was well. Until I went to the back porch to have a ciggie.
My garbage bags had vanished.
NOW. I can hear you, don’t get me wrong. I hear you say “DUDE! Someone trucked your crap to the dumpster and you’re WHINING about it? You SUCK” but that’s not what I’m focusing on.
I had two big bags of garbage and an empty bag of kitty litter. Then I had NO bags of garbage but still the empty bag of kitty litter. I was so confused that I called my parents, which always ends well. Let me summarize:
Me: Did you steal my garbage?
Mom: Are you drunk?
Me: NO I AM NOT DRUNK. My garbage is missing.
Mom: I have not the slightest clue as to what the hell you are talking about.
Me: Never mind. *click*
So THAT went well. Anyway, no one could believe that a perfectly sober and slightly sane person could LOSE THEIR GARBAGE, like WTF, and then go around wondering if anyone had SEEN the two bags of garbage like an Amber Alert and as I was typing that I realizedd that was a terrible reference and I apologize to everyone in the planet.
Hey, did you know that there’s an alert for missing senior citizens? It’s called a “Silver Alert” and I am totally not making this up. I just imagine my old (OLD) chemistry teacher from high school being corralled and bellowing “I’M A PROFESSOR OF CHEMISTRY, I DO WHAT I WANT!” because that would be the most awesome thing EVER.
Where was I?
Oh who cares anymore? If you have my garbage, please deposit it in a dumpster. If you stole my garbage, you have a LOT of problems. If you come across my garbage, hey, how did you know it was mine anyway? That’s just weird.
Big kisses, y’all!
If you stole my garbage, I hope you enjoy it. Mostly I hope you put it back in the dumpster, because I was too lazy to lug it down there in the first place.