Who Stole My Garbage?

Tis a mystery, my squirrels. Let me explain.

I have been very lax in housework, so much so that I would wander around the apartment with my fingers in my ears all “LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU NOTHING IS WRONG LA LA LET’S GO GET SOME COFFEE” which is insane, because my apartment is a disaster and I have no business drinking anything with caffeine in it anyway. So anyway, my house is a DISASTER. I’ve been begging (BEGGING!) my parents not to come over, not because I have any contraband,  but because my housekeeping SUCKS and they are METICULOUS in their chores. I am not. I am a big ol’ slob. That thunder you just heard was everyone who knows me IRL yelling “DUH!” but I am a lady and I will work past that.

So yes. I’m a slob. I figure that if it annoys me, I’ll fix it, but if I have 12 string cheese wrappers just hanging out in the front room, who is that hurting? I don’t care, and the wrappers CERTAINLY don’t care, so why stress about it? (My mother is reading this right now and is losing her MIND with frustration. Say hi to my mom, guys!)

SO. On to the real story.

I’ve been cleaning out the joint for the last couple of days and I had accumulated two large bags of garbage and an empty bag of kitty litter. I put them both on my back porch, thinking “Meh, next time I go to the parking lot, I’ll shove these into the dumpster” which I thought was totally reasonable. Until this morning.

I was up at 7 AM, for no reason other than my dreams were getting SO ODD that  I MADE myself wake up. This is irrelevant. I stumbled through my morning routine, bathroom, cat feeding, cigarette, medications. All was well. Until I went to the back porch to have a ciggie.

My garbage bags had vanished.

NOW. I can hear you, don’t get me wrong. I hear you say “DUDE! Someone trucked your crap to the dumpster and you’re WHINING about it? You SUCK” but that’s not what I’m focusing on.

I had two big bags of garbage and an empty bag of kitty litter. Then I had NO bags of garbage but still the empty bag of kitty litter. I was so confused that I called my parents, which always ends well. Let me summarize:

Me: Did you steal my garbage?

Mom: Are you drunk?

Me: NO I AM NOT DRUNK. My garbage is missing.

Mom: I have not the slightest clue as to what the hell you are talking about.

Me: Never mind. *click*

So THAT went well. Anyway, no one could believe that a perfectly sober and slightly sane person could LOSE THEIR GARBAGE, like WTF, and then go around wondering if anyone had SEEN the two bags of garbage like an Amber Alert and as I was typing that I realizedd that was a terrible reference and I apologize to everyone in the planet.

Hey, did you know that there’s an alert for missing senior citizens? It’s called a “Silver Alert” and I am totally not making this up. I just imagine my old (OLD) chemistry teacher from high school being corralled and bellowing “I’M A PROFESSOR OF CHEMISTRY, I DO WHAT I WANT!” because that would be the most awesome thing EVER.

Where was I?

Oh who cares anymore? If you have my garbage, please deposit it in a dumpster. If you stole my garbage, you have a LOT of problems. If you come across my garbage, hey, how did you know it was mine anyway? That’s just weird.

Big kisses, y’all!


If you stole my garbage, I hope you enjoy it. Mostly I hope you put it back in the dumpster, because I was too lazy to lug it down there in the first place.



Who Stole My Garbage? — 7 Comments

  1. stealing garbage is WEIRD, even in the semi-ghetto i live in. i can understand stealing garbage CANS – ok, i don’t UNDERSTAND it, but on some level it makes sense to steal a garbage can when you live in the semi-ghetto, because a good garbage can is worth its weight in plastic – and for some reason people around here like to “temporarily misappropriate” those gigantic industrial recycle bins that the boro provides to us, even though THE BORO PROVIDES THEM FOR FREE so there is no reason to steal them, you BIG DUMB DUMMIES who live across the alley from us, and YES I KNOW IT’S YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE A RECYCLE BIN IN FRONT OF YOUR GARAGE THAT HAS OUR ADDRESS SPRAY PAINTED ON IT, but whatever, we’ll just call the boro and have them give us another one, which is what they do, because THEY’RE FREE.

    but nobody steals garbage. that’s just WEIRD.

  2. Well, I would say the only reason to steal garbage would be to search for personal or financial info in order to steal your identification. That is the pessimistic view. I was actually driving through NJ a few weeks back and a sign on the highway was announcing a silver alert for a specific car. I did not find that comforting. As far as cleaning, I make it a game. Time yourself for 15 min., do all you can and then stop until the next day. It is amazing what you can do in that short of a time.

  3. So, think about this: what if someone stole your identity? Would that be a good thing? Would you have to appologixe to them? Would you be allowed to choose (or steal) a new one?

    While I am here: hello to your mother. We haven’t spoken for several years now. Perhaps soon. Much has happened.

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