So. Hi. It’s been a while since I did a real post, hasn’t it? Well there’s no time like the present. Hold on to your butts, people, this is a serious one.
I guess it started around Thanksgiving. I was DREADING the holidays, mostly because of Mr. Name Redacted, my ex who I’m not even close to being over. All the holidays in the fall and winter have memories of him attached, and I figured I’d be a disaster. I still have to make it through Valentine’s Day, but that’s another story. Anyway.
I had been taking my pills. Every day like clockwork, like I always have. And nothing worked. I was always in a fugue state, zombified, sad, agitated, totally cut off from the world. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I had gained an obscene amount of weight. I would fall asleep in the middle of conversations. I was constantly relapsing with binge drinking and spent way too much time in psych wards. I was a complete and utter disaster.
Something wasn’t working. So I made a decision. It was time to stop. Full stop, period. It was time to get off the meds. Because they were killing me. So I stopped. I stopped taking my meds. Period. Full stop. For a month. Thanksgiving to Christmas, I was totally med-free. It was rash and irresponsible, and it could have given me terrible if not life-threatening side effects. But I did it anyway.
And so help me, I never have felt better in my life.
I feel…alive. Whole. Sober and clear-headed and motivated and ALIVE. Not manic, not delusional or paranoid or anything like what I felt when I was on the meds. I’m writing for MamaPop again. I’m writing THIS right now. None of this would have happened six months ago. It would have been a sick joke then.
People are concerned, and I get that. Right now, I’m taking 2 meds in smaller doses, down from seven meds and 13 pills a day. I take two pills now, and I want to get rid of those too. I want to take my body back, lose weight, embrace my newfound clarity and LIVE.
But please, please listen to me here: Psych meds save lives. Psych meds are a godsend. What I did was not the way to go about things, I just got very very lucky. I’m not turning into a Scientologist or anything. No way. This is just what happened to me, and I’m just telling you the truth. Please, if you’re on psych meds, DO NOT go cold turkey off of them. It’s VERY VERY DANGEROUS.
So yeah. I made a choice. And today I told my meds doctor about it. He was…less than impressed. In fact, his quote to me was “Don’t blame me when you end up back in the hospital” and I shivered. But I also stood my ground, didn’t cry, and spoke my mind. And I’m pretty damn proud of myself about that.
I made a choice. And I am, for the first time in forever, looking forward to tomorrow.