Herbal Suicide: Don’t Do It

Me: My basil died.

The World: Who the hell is Basil? What did you do to him? Are the police involved?!

Me: No, asshole. My BASIL. The herb. My basil plant died.

The World: We’re…sorry for your loss?

Me: I think I killed it.

The World: Well that’s just unkind. Why did you kill your basil?

Me: I didn’t do it ON PURPOSE. I only had the damn thing for two freaking weeks.

The World: You killed a living thing in two weeks, and yet your demonic cats thrive. You are very confusing.

Me: Dude. I took SUCH GOOD CARE of that stupid plant. I watered it. I took it inside at night when it was cold. I whispered sweet nothings in its plant-y ear about how pretty it was.

The World: And?

Me: And it still fucking died.

The World: You should not ever have children.

Me: I don’t think that’s ever going to be a problem. I can’t even get a DATE.

The World: You can’t even get a PLANT.

Me: My chives, however, are doing FANTASTICALLY.

The World: *sigh* Chives are a bulb-based plant. They re-grow every year. You don’t have to do ANYTHING to keep chives alive.

Me: Unkind.

The World: Although with YOU, plant-murderer, you should probably just not even LOOK at the chives. Avert your plant-killing eyes.

Me: I don’t feel that I deserve this kind of treatment.

The World: It’s better than your treatment of that poor innocent basil plant.

Me: It was TWO WEEKS OLD and it up and DIED on me! Do you know how that affects my already fragile self-esteem?

The World: Your self-esteem is being affected by a PLANT?

Me: a DEAD plant. I think it was suicide.

The World: Your basil plant committed suicide?

Me: Yep. It didn’t need watering, it needed a therapist.

The World: I think we’re done here.


Comments

Herbal Suicide: Don’t Do It — 10 Comments

  1. It probably needed a bigger pot, or to be in the ground. And clipping. Basil likes to be clipped. I wouldn’t worry about it, it’s not so much suicidal as perpetually adolescent. Just get another one and try again. :)

  2. basil can be tricky, actually. i’ve had trouble with basil and i grew a butterfly bush as big as cleveland from a stick. now – mint, on the other hand, will grow forever and take over everything. if the cats don’t eat it first.

  3. RIP Basil. I can’t keep a plant alive to save my own life either. My evil overlord cat also continues to thrive. I’m so glad to see you posting again! I’ve missed you!

  4. I suffer agonies when I kill plants (which is fairly often) – even plants that I don’t like. This may say a little too much about me, too.

    That being said, basil is kind of evil. It is tricky and it gets every bug and disease known to man. It’s like that pretty woman that all the guys flock to, only to be undone by her.
    Suebob last post: If Things Were The Other Way Around

  5. I grew about a dozen basil plants from seeds last year. Eleven died, most fairly quickly. But that one, strong plant thrived even in the harsh desert climate. I was able to harvest from it all the thyme for cooking. Bottom line: grow 11 more.

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