Lulu: Human Food Provider. we need to talk.
Me: Um, you’re a cat. This is a little weird.
Lulu: Never mind about that. We need to talk.
Me: Oooooooooookay….I’d just like to say for the record that this is really weird.
Lulu: Granted. But here’s the thing. You go ahead and stagger to the hospital every bloody moment and where do I go? In a goddamn cardboard box to the vet to cool my heels for a week. You? Suck.
Me: Now that’s just unkind. Auntie Peggy takes wonderful care of you when I am, um, indisposed. Maybe if you lost a little weight you wouldn’t have to be transported in the cardboard box.
Lulu: I hate you.
Me: I know. You’ve hated me for eleven years. This is nothing new. And stop staring at me like that, it’s creepy.
Lulu: You. Put me. In a cardboard box. And I’ve heard a horrible rumor.
Me: Oh shit.
Lulu: LET THE RECORD SHOW…
Lulu: Let the record show that APPARENTLY we’re all going back into the cardboard boxes on Thursday to get SHOTS and perhaps a thermometer UP THE ASS because this is for some freakish reason “a check-up”
Me: You weren’t supposed to know about that.
Lulu: I know EVERYTHING. You know NOTHING.
Me: Auntie Peggy loves you. She’ll be very kind and gentle. Please don’t smother me in my sleep.
Lulu: No promises, pathetic human. Now feed me or feel the consequences.
Me: Yes, ma’am.