Lulu Has Something To Say

Lulu: Human Food Provider. we need to talk.

Me: Um, you’re a cat. This is a little weird.

Lulu: Never mind about that. We need to talk.

Me: Oooooooooookay….I’d just like to say for the record that this is really weird.

Lulu: Granted. But here’s the thing. You go ahead and stagger to the hospital every bloody moment and where do I go? In a goddamn cardboard box to the vet to cool my heels for a week. You? Suck.

Me: Now that’s just unkind. Auntie Peggy takes wonderful care of you when I am, um, indisposed. Maybe if you lost a little weight you wouldn’t have to be transported in the cardboard box.

Lulu: I hate you.

Me: I know. You’ve hated me for eleven years. This is nothing new. And stop staring at me like that, it’s creepy.

Lulu: You. Put me. In a cardboard box. And I’ve heard a horrible rumor.

Me: Oh shit.

Lulu: LET THE RECORD SHOW…

Me: Fuck.

Lulu: Let the record show that APPARENTLY we’re all going back into the cardboard boxes on Thursday to get SHOTS and perhaps a thermometer UP THE ASS because this is for some freakish reason “a check-up”

Me: You weren’t supposed to know about that.

Lulu: I know EVERYTHING. You know NOTHING.

Me: Auntie Peggy loves you. She’ll be very kind and gentle. Please don’t smother me in my sleep.

Lulu: No promises, pathetic human. Now feed me or feel the consequences.

Me: Yes, ma’am.

 


Comments

Lulu Has Something To Say — 4 Comments

  1. Just do whatever Lulu says. Seriously. If she’s anything like my cats SHE MIGHT NOT EVEN WAIT FOR YOU TO BE ASLEEP!

  2. Lulu, girlfriend, you’re playing this all wrong. Leverage the guilt lass. Parlay the further indignities being heaped upon your zaftig figure into well, more zaftig-ness. Not your style? Very well, cold blooded revenge it is then. Just…make sure your food bowl is full first.
    Dawn last post: With apologies to Mr. Tolkien

  3. You have some real a**hole neighbors! My friend had a huge, surly tomcat who would start purring as soon as the vet tech inserted the thermometer so…

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