Intervention

2010 Era Banshee: Hey fatty!

2012 Era Banshee: Um…hi?

2010: Remember me?

2012: Vaguely. What do you want?

2010: Well first I want to congratulate you on letting yourself go. How does living in oversized yoga pants feel?

2012: Um…they feel fine. What’s with the weight cracks?

2010: Oh nothing. Just thought you’d like to remember this.

2012: Whoa.

2010: Remember that body? I was looking GOOD. You, not so much.

2012: Why are you doing this?

2010: I’m MOTIVATING you. I’m a HELPER.

2012: Motivating me to do what, hate myself?

2010: You looked like this before, you can do it again.

2012: Shit, man. You know, a LOT has happened since that picture. I’m still battling all the weight from drinking. That crap combined with my psych meds have really done a number on me. Plus, I’m 35 now. The old metabolism isn’t what it used to be.

2010: Are you done with your weak-ass excuses? Because I have something else to show you.

2012: Oh no. No no no. NO. Not that.

2010: Get ready!

2012: NO! Anything but her! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

2010: BAM!

Jillian: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF?

2012: Jillian, please. Let me explain.

Jillian: NO EXCUSES!

2012: PLEASE let me explain. It’s been a rough two years, man. A lot has happened.

Jillian: A lot of WEIGHT has happened. And a lot of DUST forming on my DVD. Get up! Jumping jacks! Now!

2012: Oh my god, please don’t make me do jumping jacks. I’ll barf.

Jillian: GET OFF THE DAMN COUCH.

2012: *slithers off the couch, hides underneath*

Jillian: GET OUT OF THERE AND WORK.

2012: No. Go away. I can’t. Too much damage has been done.

Jillian: BULLSHIT.

2012: Please leave me alone. I can’t. It’s a hopeless cause. I’ll never look like that again.

Jillian: Well you won’t if you don’t get the hell out from under the couch.

2012: I like it under here. It’s dark and quiet and I just found a Jolly Rancher.

Jillian: You’re going to Boston at the end of October to see Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie. You’re going to see friends who haven’t seen you in years and years. And you’re not going looking like THAT.

2012: This Jolly Rancher is really good. Green Apple is my favorite.

Jillian: YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME DAMMIT.

2012: *contemplates* Hmm. Okay, I think I’m ready to negotiate.

Jillian: I do hope “negotiate” means you’re getting up and doing 100 crunches RIGHT NOW.

2012: No. Here’s the plan. I should be able to get back into my apartment in about 2 weeks. That gives me *whips out calculator* approximately two and a half months to get my shit in order. Better food, and less time on the couch.

Jillian: AND?!?!?!

2012: *sigh* And doing your DVD. You know if I fall down dead from that evil thing, I’m haunting you FOREVER.

Jillian: You think you’re the first person to tell me that?

2012: I’m sure you get it every day. So do we have a deal?

2010 Era Banshee: Man, my legs look great. Oh, were you saying something?

2012: I surrender, okay? Just let me get back into the apartment and I’ll start right away.

Jillian: I’ll believe it when I see it.

2010: I’ll believe it when you can fit into this dress again.

2012: I’ll believe it when I weakly call 911 after I fall down and can’t get up like a fat-ass turtle on its back.

Jillian: You have a two week reprieve. And I know you have a secret candy bar in your bag. I SEE ALL.

2012: *weeps*


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