*stomps onstage to podium*
*stands on soapbox*
This thing on? Hello? Oh good. Hello! I have gathered you all here today for a very important announcement. I have pondered this decision for a long time now, and I am ready to tell you all that I have declared this, August 8, 2012 to be the last day of summer.
Now I know what you’re thinking. “But Banshee! It’s barely August! There’s global warming! Crops are dying! Animals are frying in the sun! Wildfires are running rampant and I heard a rumor that peoples’ eyeballs are exploding at random! How can this POSSIBLY be the last day of summer?
Well, all of you who might want to tone it down with the exclamation points, I’ll tell you. It’s the last day of summer because I SAY SO. Let me tell you a little story. This morning I woke up, showered, got ready to go to my outpatient group, and something odd happened. I looked at my face in the mirror and said “Self? YOU are wearing makeup today. That’s right. You are going to wear the HELL out of some makeup. You are going to make Gwen Stefani look like she just rolled out of bed. You are going to look FIERCE today, dammit.”
but this IS my “natural” look!
So I did. I put on makeup. I put on ALL the makeup. Foundation, powder, eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow, lipstick and a healthy dose of attitude. I strutted my ass out of the house and went to group, and the craziest thing happened. I felt GOOD. I felt confident! I carried myself in a fashion that said “YES! I am a woman who cares about how she looks! I am a grown-up who did her hair and face and holy Jebuddah in his Superman Underoos, I’m even wearing a BRA. Look at how awesome I feel today!”
It was great. I felt good, I looked good, I only spilled coffee on my “Shakespeare Got To Get Paid, Son” t-shirt ONE TIME. It was a great day. That was, until I got into my car to go home. The car had not gotten the memo that today was A Good Day, and had sat in the searing heat all morning and part of the afternoon, sizzling away, waiting for me to get into it to drive home. Summer had planted the seeds of doom to my Very Grown-Up and Fabulous Day. This is because Summer is an asshole.
Yes, I said it. Summer is an asshole. Summer hates me. Summer does not care that I am ghostly white and sweat-prone, and it is bound and determined to make me broil like a pork chop. My cheap Irish skin burns to a crisp in mere minutes, and I sweat like the proverbial pig.
Sidebar: Did you know that pigs actually don’t sweat? They don’t. That’s why they roll around in mud and their own filth. To cool themselves down. Isn’t learning fun?
Anyway, I drove home praying that my eyeballs would not explode in the middle of traffic, sweating and cussing under my breath. My Day of Awesomeness was fading fast. I couldn’t even enjoy bellowing along to Bon Jovi on the radio. All my energy was being wasted on not ending up a pile of ashes on the driver’s seat.
I finally made it home, extinguished myself, extracted myself from the remains of my car, and staggered, sweaty, hot, and miserable, into the house. The blast of air conditioning hit me, and THAT’S when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. And what I saw was not pretty. What I saw was the remnants of my fabulous hair and makeup ravaged by the evil, hateful summer heat. What I saw was kind of like this.
I’M A PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS!!!
My fantastic makeup job had dripped down my face and I looked like a crazed mime. The Day of Fabulous had become the Afternoon of Uggo. So that is why I have deemed today the last day of summer. Tomorrow it will be autumn, and we can all drag out comfy sweaters, hoodies, long pants, and socks. When was the last time you wore socks? It’s been at least four months for me. That’s ridiculous. Embrace the socks. Give the finger to summer. And wear the hell out of some makeup, happily knowing that it won’t sweat off all over your face. Because summer is over. Starting…NOW!
Disclaimer: This post was written by an over-tired and perhaps heatstroke-afflicted individual. The thoughts and opinions of Inverse Candlelight do not represent Mother Earth, The Sun, and the dickbag who invented humidity.