HOW TO PLAY “MOUSIE” WITH PHINEAS NIGELLUS BLACK, CURRENT CAT CHAMPION
Step One: Locate cat. Cat will be in the one place he shouldn’t be. See:
1. Top of refrigerator
2. In bathroom sink
3. Dangling from curtains
4. On human’s head
Step Two: Acquire small catnip-filled mousie. This is a challenge, as even though you have purchased approximately seventeen million mousies, there will be no mousies to be found anywhere in eyeshot. You will find the mousies in the following places:
1. Under couch
2. Under chair
3. Under stove
4. Under refrigerator
5. Under bed
6. In vortex that leads to the Hellmouth, located under dresser
Step Three: Dangle catnip mousie in front of cat. Dislodge cat from chest, as he has pounced on you and buried his claws in your modest bosom. Throw mousie as far as you can from bleeding self. Cower in fear.
Step Four: Watch cat bat mousie around in orange fur filled frenzy. This is cute. Don’t get used to it, as cat will immediately bat the mousie under one of the aforementioned pieces of furniture/appliances.
Step Five: Repeat Steps 2-4 as many times as cat demands.
Addendum: Please do not stop repeating Steps 2-4. If mousie is left under furniture/appliance, cat will collapse in front of said object and wail as if you have set him on fire.
Step Six: After having to use broom handle/yardstick/excavating tools to remove mousie from under stove for the eleventh time, throw mousie for cat. The cat will now ignore the mousie. The more trouble and time it took for you to locate and dislodge mousie from its hiding spot, the more the cat will ignore it. The game has ended. You have lost.
Step Seven: Go about your day. The game will recommence at approximately 4:28 AM. Whether you are asleep or not is of no concern to the cat.