From The Secret Files Of Toby

Um…Hi, internet peoples. Toby here. I’m sneaking onto Mama’s computer while she’s napping so I can tell you something. You may have heard around the web that I did something very, very, VERY bad yesterday. Well I am here to say I am an innocent cat! Just look at my face. Aren’t I ADORABLE? I know, I know. Someone this cute could never do something BAD, right? I mean, Finn’s the resident Bad Cat. I was the one who was teeny tiny and itty bitty as a kitten. I mean, LOOK at me!

I’m so precious I can’t stand it. But I’m in BIG TROUBLE, internet people. Oh man, am I ever in trouble. Mama won’t even look at me right now without growling. Let me tell you what happened.

Yesterday morning, around 7 AM, I woke up and I was HUNGRY. And when a cat is hungry, everyone in the house needs to be awake and make with the snacks, am I right? Of course I am. So I woke up Mama by walking over her face baaaack and forth and baaaaaack and forth, and then Finn got into that action and Lulu was yelling, and finally, FINALLY, right when I was about to DIE from STARVATION, Mama got up.

I was so excited! Yay for breakfast! So as Mama was walking into the living room and putting her glasses on, I did a little Happy Breakfast Dance right in front of her. Do you see where this is going?

She tripped and fell over me. BOOM. And she landed right on her face. Guys, it was BAD. She was yelling and cursing and jeez, I didn’t MEAN to trip her, I was just happy about breakfast! And the most important thing is that she got up and fed me. I mean, a cat has priorities. At first, she said “Ow, my freaking face” and continued doing human things that I don’t really care about. She informed me rather rudely that it was a good thing she didn’t break her glasses when she fell, or she’d put me in the oven. Rude! Anyway, I ate my breakfast and went off to take a nap, like any good self-respecting cat. That’s when she walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror.

People of the internet, I won’t repeat the extremely bad language she used. I worry about your delicate ears. Let’s just say the FCC would have yanked her right out of network television for the words she yelled as she stared at herself in the mirror.

I’m telling you, I didn’t MEAN to do it. And I certainly don’t appreciate her yelling that she’s going to sell me to a very mean family and use the money for a skin graft. See? Rude. Anyway, it’s not SO bad. Humans are so touchy.

God, she’s SO overdramatic. Anyway, send help. Quickly. I don’t want to go in the oven if that thing scars.


From The Secret Files Of Toby — 8 Comments

  1. Oh, Tobes, it makes my heart go pit-a-pat to hear your voice, and see your tiny self. And I know you didn’t do it on purpose. (Of course not: you’re not stupid, and if you tripped her dead there would be no food.) But I do think you ought to try to be really sorry, and sympathetic, and loving towards your human.

    Your fan, Mir_B

  2. Toby, you and my Lily would get along fabulously. She is fond of doing figure eights around my ankles while I walk, and while she hasn’t succeeded in tripping me yet, as she’s super teeny, she has been launched through the air many, many, many times. I think that’s actually her goal.

  3. This is what I have to tell you – that the Happy Dance of Breakfast is only for AFTER. Lulu is not teaching you right. Fortunately, your mommy is pretty enough that an owie, even one that size, is not a big deal. However, do NOT lick it.

  4. Toby,
    My human isn’t fond of the way I wind around her legs, or get right in front of her feet when she opens the pantry or refrigerator, or when she’s cooking on the stove. She closed my head in the fridge door yesterday & didn’t even notice until I shrieked! To be fair, I *AM* a black cat & the refrigerator is also black. My human also has this thing called epilepsy, where she falls down & bounces herself off of furniture & the floor, and ends up with lots of bruises and scars…she says that Scar Zone cream is SUPER-AWESOME for that!

  5. Oh Toby! I’m sorry you got in trouble for dancing. But you’re lucky your human is so understanding. Whenever I walk on my sleeping Mommy’s face she tries to teach me to fly. Silly human, I don’t have wings.
    My Mom falls a LOT, too & she has a big stash of gooey sheets called “Adaptix” for all of her skin tears. Once they close up she uses Aquafor or Scarzone so no one can see where the tears were.
    Keep dancing Toby. Or climb the curtains like me!

  6. Ralna here. Owner of the pet human known to the Interwebs as Suzy Q. According to my pet human, I am ALWAYS wherever she doesn’t want me to be. I love sleeping in her office chair, but she’s always pushing me off so she can work, or surf for porn. The nerve! She also doesn’t seem to like it when I streeeetch my claws into her skin. But, she has so much skin! What’s a little less? She does not get my very understandable reasoning regarding this. Also, she has very recently tried to fool me with some new foods. I WILL NOT BE FOOLED!

    And yet, when I am at the end of my rope with her, the pet human does give me some good snuggles in bed. Of course, we can snuggle all we want because there is never another human in her bed! Haaaaaa!

  7. My girlfriend and I both looked at the picture of your face in awe. Our cats have caused some interesting accidents, and this one…. is that a bruise? bone? Its terrifying. I think our cats are slow clapping.
    Nina Potts last post: To My Friend

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