Feed Me, Seymour

Stomach: Grrrrrrrrr.

Me: Hush.

Stomach: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Me: I just fed you. Spaghetti and salad. Stop complaining.

Stomach: Feed me. Go fix another plate.

Me: I most certainly will not.

Stomach: Go buy a candy bar.

Me: The car’s broken. And even if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t do that. We JUST ATE.

Stomach: More, please.

Me: NO. Do you know how much weight we have to lose?

Stomach: I SAID PLEASE.

Me: And that was very polite of you. We’re still not going to eat more.

Stomach: But I’m so hungry. So, so, so hungry.

Me: We’re taking care of that. I just got a new prescription to replace the Zyprexa. That’s the med that makes us hungry all the time.

Stomach: Cake. Pudding. String cheese. Pizza.

Me: Are you even listening to me?

Stomach: Walk to the store. Buy a pie. And PUT IT IN ME.

Me: That’s not you talking, it’s the Zyprexa. Things will be a lot easier once we’re off of it.

Stomach: Sushi. Burritos. Potato chips. Buffalo wings. Twinkies.

Me: Will you shut up and listen to me? We’re going off the Zyprexa and getting on Abilify. Remember Abilify? We didn’t gain any weight on that. We looked GOOD. And dammit, we’re going to lose all this Zyprexa weight and maybe we’ll date again before we’re 90.

Brain: Excuse me?

Me: What do YOU want? I’ve fed you all your pills.

Brain: Did the ears tell me correctly? We’re going back on Abilify?

Me: Yeppers.

Brain: May I remind you what happened the last time we were on Abilify?

Me: We were slender and active and could fit into size 5 jeans. It was awesome.

Brain: WE DIDN’T SLEEP FOR ELEVEN DAYS.

Me: A small price to pay.

Brain: Bullshit! We were crazed with insomnia!

Me: It was invigorating.

Brain: It was MADNESS!

Stomach: Ice cream. Curry. Meatloaf. Cheese. More cheese. Cool Ranch Doritos.

Me and Brain: SHUT UP!

Stomach: *whispers* Cool Whip. Oreos.

Me: Listen. All of you. We’re going on a completely new medication regimen. Totally new combo. Things might be a leeeeeeeeeeeetle rocky for a while. I want everyone to soldier up. We are NOT going back to the hospital.

Brain: *sigh*

Stomach: Candy. CANDY.

Me: Why does NO ONE listen to me?

Ears: Heh heh heh.

Me: Oh, so it’s YOU. What’s up with that?

Ears: We wanted to wear the skull earrings today and you chose the stars. We’re on strike.

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me.

Ears: If we’re lyin’, we’re dyin’. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll wear the skulls tomorrow.

Me: Even my internal apparatus is against me.

Stomach: GO MAKE A SANDWICH AND SWALLOW IT WHOLE.

Brain: I DON’T WANT TO BE AWAKE FOR A FORTNIGHT.

Ears: WEAR THE SKULLS OR PAY THE PRICE.

Me: *crawls under couch, sucks thumb*


Comments

Feed Me, Seymour — 3 Comments

  1. And that is how it feels being pregnant if you do not have morning sickness. Stick with it! Give those ears their skull earrings and all will be well. Good luck!

  2. At the risk of being hit with a sock full of nickels, may I suggest sugar-free mints? It’s something in your mouth that might make your stomach STFU for a bit without adding weight.

    Your ears, however, have a good point.

  3. I don’t tweet but I must agree with your Dad about driving under the speed limit. It is also required to drive with a turn signal on at all times. I know these things because I am sixty-nine (no- really.)

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