And Now, A Word From Miss Havisham

Hold on to your butts, folks. I feel like having myself a little rant.

Miss Havisham sez “I have had ENOUGH”

I almost didn’t write this, but I will brave the almost guaranteed troll backlash, because I seriously, SERIOUSLY cannot take this anymore. I am absolutely at the end of my rope. What am I sick of? I’ll tell you, my beloved squirrels.

I am sick to death of Smug Marrieds.

NOW! Before you zip over to the comments to call me jealous, spiteful, an old hag, ugly, fat, ugly AND fat, ugly and fat and JEST JELUS, let me say a few things. I am not talking about all marrieds. Is that clear? If you got married and remained true to your pre-married personality, I’m thrilled for you. That’s great. I hope y’all are happy as can be.

I’m talking about Smug Marrieds. You know who they are. They clog your Facebook walls and Twitter feeds with “OMG I HAVE THE BEST HUBBY EVER” or “MY AMAZING WIFE AND I ARE SO HAPPY I HAVE GLITTER DIARRHEA”  or whatever. And I’m sitting there with my eye twitching and the bile rising and looking like this, only in yoga pants.

Miss Havisham sez “Bitch, plz”

I think it’s the fact that as a 35 year old singleton, most of my friends are married now. Truthfully, I’m fine with being single right now. I haven’t been on a date in almost two years, and those of you that follow the blog know that I have more than enough on my plate without involving myself in a romantic relationship. So it’s not jealousy. It’s just that I see people that used to be independent and full of personality and somewhere between the ring and the “I do’s” and sun poisoning on the honeymoon, they become pod people. They (and ugh, I’m really starting to sound like Bridget Jones here, aren’t I?) look in pity at us singletons, tut-tutting and giving unsolicited advice in between being so gross in their PDAs and pet names that I have to excuse myself and vomit up most of my major organs. They’re SMUG. And that? Drives me insane.

Miss Havisham sez “Where’s the Pepto?”

And the thing is, I have to wonder if it’s all a sham. Why would a couple do the equivalent of hitting people over the head with a flaming baseball bat covered in barbed wire by never letting us forget for a nanosecond about how happy they are, how head-explodingly perfect their lives are and don’t you worry, you sad little singleton, just when you least expect it, you’ll find The One and be as terrifyingly happy as they are. What are they hiding? What am I missing here?

I know some of you will respond with “Why are you so spiteful about other people being happy?” or perhaps

 It’s true. I’m the Robin Hood of happiness.

But I’m really not. I have loads of awesome friends who married other awesome people and they are awesome together. But because they remained their own individual selves while also being married, they are a fierce TEAM, not a scary alien conjoined twin with rictus smiles who feel they need to tell me that oh, you poor thing, all alone, so sad, what you need is a MAN. See? Even YOU might be as happy as we are. Someday. Maybe. But probably not.

Eh, whatever. I guess I should just let the Smug Marrieds be. Anyway, I have to concentrate on being my own awesome self. And I’d rather think of myself as Michonne than Miss Havisham any day.

Michonne sez: “You don’t need a wedding ring, you need a KATANA”


And Now, A Word From Miss Havisham — 7 Comments

  1. I love this post. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Your use of pictures is fantastic.

    As I tell the Smug Marrieds who dare approach me, “There’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. I’m never lonely.” But like you suggest, I think many of the Smug Marrieds, while not actually being alone, are still very lonely.

    Seriously, love this post!

  2. Ok, I want to throw this out there: If I’ve ever suggested dating to you, it’s because I want you to get laid, not married. Because, DAMN, girl, you’ve had a rough couple of years and you deserve someone who can give you a couple dozen orgasms in an evening. (Ahem.)

    Two things your post made me think of:
    1. The WORST smug married among all of my Facebook friends is a guy I went to high school with, who everyone including the baby Jesus himself KNOOOOOOWS is the gayest gay man to ever walk the earth. He was born covered in glitter and sequins. But because he is a Southern Baptist youth minister (*hork*), he denies this and he talks NON-FREAKING-STOP about his “hot wife” and their date nights and how sexy she is, and OMG dude, we all know it’s a sham because you’re a self-hating closet case. Classic case of methinks he doth protest too much. It’s kind of sad and stomach-churning at the same time.

    2. I hate the smug marrieds as much as you, but can I tell you what annoys me more? The people who complain non-stop about their spouse. The passive-aggressive digs on FB drive me batshit. Sample from one horrible offender: “Another night where I’m washing dishes alone while he watches football. Sigh. I guess this is what marriage is like after 10 years.” Um, no. No, it’s not. You made it that way. Stop bitching on FB, walk into the other room & tell him to get off his fat ass and help you with the dishes. Sweet merciful Christ.

    Also, this seems to happen more often now that I’m divorced, that people think they can unload their dirty secrets on me, because clearly I “get it” or something? Look, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that I am not a marriage counselor and I am not qualified to give ANYBODY relationship advice. So keep that shit about how your husband can’t get a boner for you anymore to yourself, because I may have to look the dude in the eye someday, and that’s just unnerving.

    Ok. Sorry. Apparently your ranting inspired my own ranting. Carry on with your bad self, Miss Banshee!
    cindy w last post: Four more years

  3. I hear you, and I’m in a LTR myself. The ones I find most off-putting–not even annoying, just frankly kind of creepy–are the ones steeped in conservative complementarian Christianity: “My hubby is such a good and faithful leader! Every morning I pray for the humility to serve as his helpmeet properly, and God is gracious and provides!” (Okay, that’s kind of an exaggeration, but that’s the idea.) Or the folks who have one FB account (JohnandJane Smith), not for convenience or because one person just can’t be bothered with the internet or whatever, but because they’re truly one being, y’all! That… just… holds no appeal for me. To put it mildly. :-\
    Lizzie last post: Acts 10: the Chri​stian god changes his mind

  4. Two of my dearest friends, who are totally normal and non-sickening in person, are the shmoopy whoops of FB. At least once a day they each post a horrifying love message on each other’s wall, often during hours when they are clearly at their house TOGETHER. I believe they do truly love each other but, like you said, part of me wonders if they’re so desperately in love, why don’t they get off FB and get each other off?

  5. I have dubbed this phenomenon “marriage is actually an exclusive club.” I think you are spot on about individuality being necessary to a good long-term relationship.

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