The World: Oh lordo, what happened? Who died? What’s wrong?
The World: Did you stub your toe? Did you get a papercut? DO YOU NEED FIRST AID?
Me: *blows nose*
The World: Okay, you’re gonna have to give us more to go on here. Sign language? Smoke signals? Frickin’ CARRIER PIGEON? Speak, oracle!
Me: *sniffle* I was so content being a sourpuss cranky asshole. Cynical as all get out. Giving the middle finger to everyone.
The World: We noticed. So what changed?
Me: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *holds up DVD*
The World: Ohhhhh. That makes sense. Do you want a tissue?
Me: No. *wipes nose on sleeve*
The World: Do you want a sedative?
Me: No. I want *sniffle* I want…
The World: Yeeeeeeeeeeees?
Me: I want to move to England.
The World: Honey? Moving to England is not the same as moving into “Love, Actually”. Come on, let’s try to grasp a little reality here.
Me: The Secret Garden. The Bronte Sisters. Shakespeare. Notting Hill. Naughty Prince Harry. Fish and chips. The moors. Liam Neeson needs a girlfriend. I need to go.
The World: Liam Neeson is from Ireland.
Me: SO AM I!!!! It’s fate!
The World: You’re 1/4 Irish. And your family has been in America for quite some time.
Me: You and your semantics. I need to go. Let’s go get a passport, I’ve never had one.
The World: You’re not going to England because of a movie.
Me: I’ve done stranger things.
The World: That…is true.
Me: So let’s go. To England, ho!!!!!
The World: We’re poor as church mice. We’re not going to England. How about we watch Jane Eyre or Wuthering Heights instead.
Me: *sniffle* The Wuthering Heights with Ralph Fiennes?
The World: Sure!
Me: Okay. FOR NOW.
The World: And just in case you need a little perspective? That tragically smitten guy in “Love, Actually” who pines for Keira Knightly? He’s Rick from “The Walking Dead”.
Me: OMG he IS!
The World: And because of that, we will now cheer you up. Behold!
Me: HA! Consider me cheered up!
The World: Good. Now blow your nose, you look a mess.
Me: What about the passport?
The World: No.
Me: Very well then. Bring on the Brontes!!!