God Save The Queen


Me: *sniffle. Sniffle. Sob sob sob*

The World: Oh lordo, what happened? Who died? What’s wrong?

Me: *sniffle*

The World: Did you stub your toe? Did you get a papercut? DO YOU NEED FIRST AID?

Me: *blows nose*

The World: Okay, you’re gonna have to give us more to go on here. Sign language? Smoke signals? Frickin’ CARRIER PIGEON? Speak, oracle!

Me: *sniffle* I was so content being a sourpuss cranky asshole. Cynical as all get out. Giving the middle finger to everyone.

The World: We noticed. So what changed?

Me: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *holds up DVD*

The World: Ohhhhh. That makes sense. Do you want a tissue?

Me: No. *wipes nose on sleeve*

The World: Do you want a sedative?

Me: No. I want *sniffle* I want…

The World: Yeeeeeeeeeeees?

Me: I want to move to England.

The World: Honey? Moving to England is not the same as moving into “Love, Actually”. Come on, let’s try to grasp a little reality here.

Me: The Secret Garden. The Bronte Sisters. Shakespeare. Notting Hill. Naughty Prince Harry. Fish and chips. The moors. Liam Neeson needs a girlfriend. I need to go.

The World: Liam Neeson is from Ireland.

Me: SO AM I!!!! It’s fate!

The World: You’re 1/4 Irish. And your family has been in America for quite some time.

Me: You and your semantics. I need to go. Let’s go get a passport, I’ve never had one.

The World: You’re not going to England because of a movie.

Me: I’ve done stranger things.

The World: That…is true.

Me: So let’s go. To England, ho!!!!!

The World: We’re poor as church mice. We’re not going to England. How about we watch Jane Eyre or Wuthering Heights instead.

Me: *sniffle* The Wuthering Heights with Ralph Fiennes?

The World: Sure!

Me: Okay. FOR NOW.

The World: And just in case you need a little perspective? That tragically smitten guy in “Love, Actually” who pines for Keira Knightly? He’s Rick from “The Walking Dead”.

Me: OMG he IS!

The World: And because of that, we will now cheer you up. Behold!

Me: HA! Consider me cheered up!

The World: Good. Now blow your nose, you look a mess.

Me: What about the passport?

The World: No.

Me: Very well then. Bring on the Brontes!!!


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