How Not To Prepare For A First Date: A Tutorial

I have a date tomorrow. A first date. With someone I’ve only talked to on the internet. So of course, I am trying desperately to remember what going on a date entails, because it’s been YEARS, people. And there’s so much shit I just don’t know anything about. I haven’t really ever been privy to traditional dating – the whole “pick me up, go to a dinner and a movie, some conversation, and maybe a kiss at the end of the night” kind of dating. I’ve done long-distance dating. I’ve done dirt-poor immediately moving in with each other dating. I’ve done sit around and get stoned/drunk/both and have sex of questionable quality dating. But when I was presented with a dinner/movie date yesterday? Well I’m just glad we were on instant messages instead of on the phone, because I would probably have responded thusly: “Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuh?”

So with that, I give you the Banshee Tutorial On How To Not Prepare For A First Date In 22 Simple Steps

1. Spend 15-20 minutes giggling like Beavis and Butthead. “Huh. Huh. Huh. Heh. Heh heh heh.”

2. Will self into losing 20 pounds.

3. Will self into losing 20 pounds.

4. Will self into pants. Sigh. Suck in gut.

5. Try on two or three perfectly serviceable tops.

6. Try on two or three more perfectly serviceable tops.

7. Throw all tops on floor of closet and slam door. Sigh. Suck in gut.

8. Declare loudly to cats: “I have absolutely NOTHING to wear”

9. Stare at cats, expecting them to give fashion advice ala Tim Gunn.

10: Give finger to cats. Sigh. Suck in gut.

11. Decide to go with basic black, as this is the only color of clothing you own. Look at clothes. Snarl under breath.

12. Lint roll cat hair off pants

13. Lint roll cat hair off top

14. Lint roll cat hair off hoodie.

15. Lint roll cat hair off face.

16. Chase cats with lint roller. Threaten cats with Nair. Lint roll pants, top, hoodie, face again. Sigh. Suck in gut.

17. Stare at thirteen different pairs of clunky black boots. Declare you have NOTHING to wear on feet.

18. Check date’s internet profile again to make sure he’s tall enough for you to wear big boots.

19. Worry that date will think you’re stalking profile.

20. Cancel date in own mind. Have date cancel in own mind. Yell at self to calm the hell down. Take anti-anxiety pill. Sigh. Suck in gut.

21. Realize you still have 24 hours until date. Realize you will do all of these steps again tomorrow. Sigh.

22. Suck in gut.


How Not To Prepare For A First Date: A Tutorial — 7 Comments

  1. 1. he will think you are so wonderful, because you are smart, and funny, and snarky, and you have the most gorgeous eyes. Which is what he should be looking into as he speaks to you.
    2. ‘basic black’ is your color, Danielle. You OWN IT–when you’ve been very confident, and very not confident, and every shade of existence and personality in between.
    3. If you can, worry instead about whether YOU will like HIM instead of what HE will think of YOU. That was an enormous revelation to me–I don’t “need” to make the guy dig me. I get to decide if I think he’s right for me. Seriously. You want someone who will be generous in his spirit and who will be patient with you when you feel awkward and who will egg you on when you feel snarky. And who has the tenacity to fight like hell when things seem less than amazing but who will still always (ALWAYS!) pick your cats up and pet them like they are the most fragile little cat-babies in the universe.
    4. HAVE FUN HAVE FUN HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!
    (5. You are doing a hell of a lot better than I am…the only ‘dates’ I have these days are with my students’ shitty papers and he literary theorists and poetry critics whose books I am reading as I write the last parts of my nerd-fest called a dissertation)

  2. Well. THIS is familiar. Perhaps for all of us.

    Hon, you have ab fab legs. A dress, perhaps? Or is it too cold? I have no idea since I live in the always-hot and humid south (ugh).

    I hope it goes well. Your squirrel brigade is behind you! (and not laughing at your ass)

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