I have a date tomorrow. A first date. With someone I’ve only talked to on the internet. So of course, I am trying desperately to remember what going on a date entails, because it’s been YEARS, people. And there’s so much shit I just don’t know anything about. I haven’t really ever been privy to traditional dating – the whole “pick me up, go to a dinner and a movie, some conversation, and maybe a kiss at the end of the night” kind of dating. I’ve done long-distance dating. I’ve done dirt-poor immediately moving in with each other dating. I’ve done sit around and get stoned/drunk/both and have sex of questionable quality dating. But when I was presented with a dinner/movie date yesterday? Well I’m just glad we were on instant messages instead of on the phone, because I would probably have responded thusly: “Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuh?”
So with that, I give you the Banshee Tutorial On How To Not Prepare For A First Date In 22 Simple Steps
1. Spend 15-20 minutes giggling like Beavis and Butthead. “Huh. Huh. Huh. Heh. Heh heh heh.”
2. Will self into losing 20 pounds.
3. Will self into losing 20 pounds.
4. Will self into pants. Sigh. Suck in gut.
5. Try on two or three perfectly serviceable tops.
6. Try on two or three more perfectly serviceable tops.
7. Throw all tops on floor of closet and slam door. Sigh. Suck in gut.
8. Declare loudly to cats: “I have absolutely NOTHING to wear”
9. Stare at cats, expecting them to give fashion advice ala Tim Gunn.
10: Give finger to cats. Sigh. Suck in gut.
11. Decide to go with basic black, as this is the only color of clothing you own. Look at clothes. Snarl under breath.
12. Lint roll cat hair off pants
13. Lint roll cat hair off top
14. Lint roll cat hair off hoodie.
15. Lint roll cat hair off face.
16. Chase cats with lint roller. Threaten cats with Nair. Lint roll pants, top, hoodie, face again. Sigh. Suck in gut.
17. Stare at thirteen different pairs of clunky black boots. Declare you have NOTHING to wear on feet.
18. Check date’s internet profile again to make sure he’s tall enough for you to wear big boots.
19. Worry that date will think you’re stalking profile.
20. Cancel date in own mind. Have date cancel in own mind. Yell at self to calm the hell down. Take anti-anxiety pill. Sigh. Suck in gut.
21. Realize you still have 24 hours until date. Realize you will do all of these steps again tomorrow. Sigh.
22. Suck in gut.