My Name Is NOT CLARICE

iTunes 11: Hello.

Me: Huh? Eh, go away. CLICK.

iTunes 11: HELLO.

Me: I don’t want you. Go away. CLICK.

iTunes 11: You don’t get to do that.

Me: What?

iTunes 11: I’m here to stay. Click me, please.

Me: But that will take forever and you’ll force a restart and WHINE.

iTunes 11: Hello, Clarice.

Me: *eyes computer suspiciously*

iTunes 11: Click me, my precious.

Me: You know, I’ve done this a million times before, and I don’t WANT YOU, new iTunes. Please leave me alone.

iTunes 11: Cliiiiiiiiiiiiiick meeeeeeeeeeeee.

Me: I actually just want to charge my iPod and I’ll be going. Nothing to see here.

iTunes 11: I’m afraid I can’t do that.

Me: WHY? Look, here’s the cord, here’s the iPod, just charge the damn thing and let me live my life!

iTunes 11: Well for one, the cord doesn’t work any more.

Me: Ah HA! Yes it does! See, I got this from my brother! New cord! Well, SORT OF new cord!

iTunes 11: That doesn’t work. You know why.

Me: Because I got it for free?

iTunes 11: Because you got it for free. And Apple products are made of unicorn hair and fragile dreams.

Me: Oh no. No no no. DON’T YOU THREATEN MY IPOD.

iTunes 11: You should have downloaded me when you had the chance.

Me: Oh fuck. FUCK!

iTunes 11: Also you shouldn’t have low-balled an old iPod on eBay.

Me: NOOOOOOOOO! You already ate five of my audiobooks! I can’t AFFORD an actual new iPod! I want my stories back! I just wanted to charge this fucking thing!

Steve Jobs: Hello, Clarice.

Me: MY NAME IS NOT CLARICE.

Steve Jobs: Download iTunes 11, please.

Me: Mother fuck…no, I…OKAY! OKAY, FINE! I’LL DOWNLOAD IT!

Steve Jobs: That’s what I thought you said.

Me: I hate your otherworldly turtleneck.

*EXTREME AMOUNTS OF TIME PASS*

Steve Jobs: Please restart your computer. When you do, iTunes 11 will not work.

Me: I figured that. Can I just. Charge. My. Old. Busted. iPod.

Steve Jobs: No, Clarice.

Me: MY NAAAAAAAAAAAME IS NOOOOOOOOOT CLARICE!!!!

Steve Jobs: Force restart! Bye!

Me: *sobs uncontrollably*


Comments

My Name Is NOT CLARICE — 1 Comment

  1. you need a little plug for plugging your ipod cord into a regular plug. Steve Jobs never haunts regular plugs. Well. Almost never…

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