At the last facility I was at, my case manager was a Russian kook we’ll call Dr. Vlad. Vlad and I had an interesting relationship to say the least, being that I enjoyed making fun of his favorite white linen suit and blue suede shoes, and he enjoyed making me cry. Here’s a snippet of what a typical meeting with Vlad was like:
Me: Hi, Vlad. Nice suit. You going to a party on South Beach later?
Vlad: Vhy you always make the joke? Dis has something to do with your inability to accept your diagnosis and actually work on getting better.
Me: Actually it’s because you’re wearing a white linen suit with an aqua bow tie and blue suede shoes without even a hint of irony.
Vlad: *stony glare*
Me: ANYHOODLE, let’s get down to business. So this person here is driving me batty. Like, I can’t take it any more. She’s entitled and snobby and talks about her money all the time and for the love of goddo, she’s in her 60s and has never done her own laundry before because she “has people for that.” I can’t stand her. If she pisses me off one more time, I’m going to stab someone with a spork. Probably me. In the eye.
Vlad: And vhy do you think you feel dis way?
Me: Because she sucks, that’s why. I want to drop a banana peel in front of her as she walks by.
Vlad: Hmm. *writes note*
Me: OH FOR THE LOVE OF…listen, don’t write that down, you’ll just report me and then I’ll get a talking-to. I’m not dropping any banana peels, okay? No peels, no sporks, no violent tendencies. Put the pen down.
Vlad: Then why did you say dis about banana peels and sporks?
Me: Because she’s driving me round the damn bend!
Vlad: Den tell her dis.
Me: Oh no. No no no no no. I don’t “do” confrontation, you know dis…I mean, this.
Vlad: Dis is vhy you are so angry with everything. You never let your feelings out. You will use opposite actions and tell her that she is…what is the phrase you use?
Me: Driving me batshit crazy?
Vlad: Yes. You tell her she drives you batshit crazy. Den you and she have dialogue about how to resolve the problem. Dis is what you will do.
Me: Dis is what I will do when pigs fly out of my white tattooed ass, Vlad.
Vlad: Den you stop complaining. It is one or de other.
Me: Hey Vlad, what would YOU do if you had to live with someone who was driving you completely bonkers on a daily basis? I mean, you’ve seen this woman. She’s totally and completely horrible on every level. Surely you’ve wanted to, I don’t know, spit in her coffee or something?
Vlad: Dis is not my therapy session. And you are now using the avoidance of de real subject using humor so you do not deal with actual feelings.
Me: No offense, Vlad, but opening up to you is a little like opening up to a wire monkey.
Vlad: Vhat is dis wire monkey?
Me: You know, when they study baby monkeys in captivity, and they give them a mama monkey made of wire with milk attached and a soft cuddly monkey with no milk, the baby monkey always goes to the cuddly one even though it doesn’t provide them with anything tangible. YOU are the wire monkey.
Vlad: Vhy you think this?
Me: Because…because it’s a damn good analogy, that’s why!
Me: I DON’T KNOW! You’re frustrating the shit out of me, you’re probably a robot, I can’t talk to you honestly because you are incapable of sympathy, and every time I say anything you just answer with “why” and I can’t take it any more! *cries*
Vlad: You are crying why?
Me: Because you’re a wire monkey in a white linen suit and I just want to be loved!!!!!!! *sobs*
Vlad: Dis is good. See you next week.