There’s one on every bus. The person who didn’t take their meds this morning, the person your mama warned you about, the person who shouldn’t be allowed in public without a nanny or a caregiver or a lion tamer. That person that makes you think “Man, if I only had a blow-dart full of Thorazine right now…” What you DON’T know is that there are usually one of each on the 73 bus to and from Waverley Place to Harvard Square every day.
I know this because I spend a LOT of quality time on the 73 bus, and man, I really, really have to start carrying a notebook or a digital recorder or something because the shit that goes on is worthy of at least a Woody Allen movie, if not Jim Jarmusch. Allow me to demonstrate:
Scene: Bus 73 loads up at Waverley Place. Our heroine, Miss Banshee and her trusty companion Veronica sit down and begin sipping coffee. Our villain, Miss Overly Loud, sits behind us, yapping on her cell phone.
MOL: SO THE ONLY CLASS I’M DOING WELL IN IS GREEK. THAT’S NOT GOING TO HELP UNLESS I APPLY FOR A JOB IN ANCIENT GREECE.
Veronica: *frantically grabs a pen and paper out of her bag to write this quote down, stifling giggles*
Miss B: *shakes head solemnly, weeps for humanity*
MOL: I JUST DON’T KNOW WHY MY LIFE IS SO HAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!
Miss B: *side-eyes Veronica, who is rolling her eyes so hard she’s looking at her own brain stem.*
MOL: I FORGOT HER BIRTHDAY! OH I HATE MY LIFE!
Miss B: *begins to fashion a shiv out of her crochet hook*
Scene 2: Miss Banshee is on the bus, wearing sunglasses, crocheting and listening to her iPod. She clearly is vair, vair busy and important, and is not to be disturbed. This is an invitation for someone to become her new best friend.
Old Lady: WHATCHA DOIN?
Miss B: Oh, I’m crocheting a blanket for my friend’s little boy.
Old Lady: ON THE BUS?
Miss B: Yeeeeeeeep. On the bus. Where we are. Right now. As I crochet. On the bus.
Old Lady: I USED TO DO THAT.
Miss B: Mmmhmm.
Old Lady: I’M TOO OLD NOW.
Miss B: Sorry to hear that.
Old Lady: I’VE NEVER SEEN A CIRCLE BLANKET BEFORE.
Miss B: That’s just how I roll.
Old Lady: THAT’S WHAT?
Miss B: That’s just my jam, granny.
Old Lady: WHAT?
Miss B: That’s my way of showing my unique style. I’m a special snowflake, after all.
Old Lady: THIS IS WHERE I LIVE. *exits bus*
Miss B: Godspeed.
Scene 3: Waiting for bus at Harvard Station. Bus is late, as per usual. Miss Banshee quietly crochets on a bench as Roid Rager proceeds to lose his shit on anyone standing too close.
RR: OH COME ON!
Bus Passengers: *go about their business*
RR: WHERE THE FUCK IS THE 73??!?!?!??!
BP: *start to edge away from RR*
RR: I’VE BEEN WAITING FOREVER!!!
Miss B: *notes that she has been waiting longer than RR, and is not throwing a temper tantrum worthy of an overtired, teething toddler with a double ear infection. Praises self on restraint, continues crocheting*
RR: CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS BULLSHIT?!?!?!
Man Too Close To Roid Rager: Uh…yeah, the bus is pretty late…must be a problem…or…something…
Miss B: *shakes head, as it is never a wise choice to engage a Bus Psycho, as they will attach themselves to you like a crazy ass barnacle. Mumbles* “you chose poorly, young grasshopper”
RR: *to MTC* I GOT SHIT TO DO!!!!
MTC: *eyes like a deer about to be hit by a steamroller* Yeah…sorry, man. Uh… *starts to sneak away*
RR: *swigs something out of a bottle in a paper bag* BULLSHIT, MAN! *sprays mystery liquid from mouth, as he forgot to swallow his beverage completely before yelling*
MTC: I…think I’ll walk. *flees*
Miss B: *considers crocheting bus conversations into her blanket ala Madame DeFarge*
RR: *burps and farts at the same time. Bus approaches. RR enters bus raging uncontrollably, approaches bus driver, burps again. Entire bus leaves three rows of seats open to avoid Drunky McFartsalot and his psychotic rantings*
Miss B: *sighs* I really need to get a Vespa.