GIRD THY LOINS, my beloved little squirrels! Tonight we get an hour (HOUR) of learning all we need to know about this season’s Bachelor, the dreamy Juan Pablo. Do you mind if I call him JP? I knew you wouldn’t. SO. Here’s what we already know. JP was the fan favorite of last year’s Bachelorette, which I didn’t watch. He has a kid, and he plays soccer. SORRY. Football. Futbol. That thing when you kick the ball instead of throwing it. That thing. He’s a Latin Sensation and everyone loves him.
I’m extremely suspicious.
You understand why. I’ve suffered through Benny. And Sean Lowe. And Brad. And fucking JAKE. I have known pain. I have known suffering. But, as my former chemistry professor was so fond of saying, “LADIES. WE MUST PRESS ON.” Yes, Doctor Wallace. Yes we must.
And thus we begin. My friend and yours, Chris Harrison, introduces us to this mess. COUNTDOWN TO JUAN PABLO. Casting. Wimmens. And the JuanSpawn. Please keep this child away from the madness, especially the one with the gigantic martini glass splaying her legs in the hot tub. She’s got a germ.
JOURNEY! Drink your drink. Harrison blathers. Terrible terrible audition tapes of women begging to be on the show because not having a boyfriend makes you a horrible, disgusting excuse for a person and ugh, I vomit on the ginger cat before he can pop open his little umbrella. One classy babe can put her fist in her mouth. Another is in a towel and informs us that she’s wet. Good to know, honey. No one knows how to answer “hard questions” like the capital of Montana or their middle names. They’re going to just be themselves. Their empty, empty selves. Harrison plays around with the ladies. He’s adorbs.
These wimmens, all of course rejects, humiliate themselves. There’s about five brain cells bouncing around here, and they’re all pummeling each other. They’re all going berserk that it’s JP. We finally go to commercial, wherein I will inject Haldol into my jugular vein.
Commercials! Hey, it’s Mama Banshee on instant messages! She hopes JP brushes his teeth between makeout sessions. Oh Mama. Always looking out for our dental health.
25 women this season. I will NEVER keep them straight, so we better thin the herd quickly. Harrison is going to surprise some of them, producers will do the others (the uggos and losers). Lucy is first. She’s wearing formal shorts and screams and jumps up and down. Harrison sports a woody for her.
Elise is next, with a perfect dress and hair. Are they fooling ANYONE with this “surprise visit” shit? Really? ERMAHGERD, Christy is basically naked. She CERTAINLY didn’t expect this. Riiiiiiiight. Over in Oklahoma, Lauren H meets who I THINK is Elan, the producer of the internet scandal over Diane in Row 7A, and I’m sorry, that shit was FUNNY, so whatever.
A montage of useless fodder girls follows, most of them massacring Spanish even worse than Mayor Michael Bloomberg.
Commercials! Okay, I’m going to take this opportunity to say that Gia’s suicide is going to be addressed, and I’m not recapping it. It’s not anything to be trifled with. So we’re going to just say rest in peace, Gia. Okay? Back to the fun.
So who IS Juan Pablo? He is, in his own words, EL BACHELOR!!!! And he ain’t hard to look at. Not my type at all, but still. Wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers. He’s been working on his English. What does he do for a living? Something vague about sports entertainment. We don’t really care. We see an old picture of him in adorable 80s glasses, which melts my heart because I ALSO wore horrible 80s glasses. Solidarity, JP!
He’s totes in looooooooooove with being a father to JuanSpawn. And she’s completely adorable. He’s always going to be in Miami, cause that’s where JuanSpawn is. It’s super cute and my ovaries tap on my abdomen all “HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO????” Shut up, ovaries.
Commercials! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. It is CRUEL that they have commercials for Sonic and their delicious slushies when there isn’t one within 20 miles of my house. I am not going all “Harold And Kumar” for a slushie. Well, unless New Jersey goes the way of Colorado, and I think you know what I mean by that.
Let’s meet JP’s family! Back in Miami, we go to his aunt and uncle’s house. JuanSpawn is, of course, there. There are a lot of relatives. As someone with a very small family, this is nice. I’m a little jealous. JP says the girls better like Venezuelan food or they’re toast. His cousins cluck and cluck about how he dates everyone and nothing works out. One cousin begs him to keep his shirt on. Holy crap, I love his cousins. His uncle gets his name wrong. I LOVE his family. They’re so so sweet. His sister is on Skype and drops that she’s pregnant. Everyone freaks out.
Time for Papa and JP time. He tells JP that he met his mother on a blind date, and that it’s tough, but to keep an open mind and to keep Camilla (JuanSpawn) as number one. Good advice, Papa. They hug it out. Aw.
Commercials! Applebees gave me food poisoning. I’ll never forgive you, Applebees!!!
We’re back. And we go to a montage of poor Gia. I cannot and will not rag on her. So let’s just say she’s missed and loved by a lot of people and I hope she’s at peace.
Commercials. Okay, let’s get back into this. Abreva, a medicine for oral herpes. Well. That is certainly appropriate. Know your audience and all that.
Back to Harrison. Will JP find his twoo wuv? Harrison drops “journey” so you know what to do. Women cream their jeans. Some go insane. All drink heavily. We go to Venezuela. Kissing. Groping. More groping. Even yet more crying. Naked! Crying naked! Psychotic fights! JP is totally out of his mind trying to rein in the cuckoo. People are crawling around bathroom floors. JP is ready to quit. What! Will! Happen! Next!!!!!!
Oh come on, we all know he’s not going to quit. We meet the loons tomorrow night. Join me, won’t you???