And we’re back!!!! Now that we’ve met Juan Pablo, it’s time to meet the crazy – I mean, the LADIES. Hunker down, kids, let’s do this thing.
We do a little JP montage, where his nondescript sports entertainment job that we still don’t care about is discussed, and we see JuanSpawn again. She really is the cutest. JP has nothing bad to say about JuanSpawn’s mother, which is expected, since ABC wants him up for sainthood, but nice all the same. JP speaks the language of loooooooooooove, and the cats adjust their little rain slickers as I dry heave. My mom IMs me. She’s dry heaving on their dog.
Commercials! I can’t see a Subway commercial without thinking “ZOMBIE: EAT FLESH.” Just me? Carry on.
So JuanSpawn is staying with JP through all this? OKAY, because THAT’S not weird at all. Oh, and here’s fucking Sean Lowe for no reason. GREAT. And he’s giving JP advice. Glorious. OMG OMG OMG, JP hates the term “journey.” But how will everyone drink? HOW, JP?!?!?!? He’s also awful with names. Me too, JP. Me too. Fucking Sean Lowe drops “journey” three times, so I hope your medical insurance is paid up.
Shower shot of JP. I ain’t complaining, and neither are you.
Commercials! The mother who lets her child hide and instead of seeking eats a yogurt on the couch? I can’t decide if that’s horribly mean or absolute genius.
Here’s Harrison, recapping that JP is a hunk. Thanks, Captain Obvious. We’re at El Casa de Herpes, and we meet Chelsie, who I hate because I’ll never spell her name right. She’s looking for LURVE. And hugs! And cotton candy! And unicorns! She mangles some Spanish and giggles. Oy. Renee loves surfing and her son Ben. Andi is a prosecutor. Her job doesn’t define her! Don’t put Andi in a corner! Amy J is a massage therapist and considers herself an artist of the human body. She wants a man who wants to be rubbed. And she wants to feed JP breakfast like a baby bird. Okay, so she’s insane. Got it. Nikki is a peds nurse. She doesn’t want to settle. We’ll see how desperate she gets. Lauren H has a very close family and a shitty love life that she is VERY open about, whether we want to hear about it or not. Valerie likes goats. She informs us that she is very very pretty. Lacy has a huge family. She has a home for the elderly. I like her immediately, so I’m sure she’s doomed. Clare’s dad had brain cancer. It’s sad. He made a DVD for her future husband that Clare’s never seen. Wow.
Commercials! Okay, Belvita breakfast bars? I will ALWAYS hear “Velveeta breakfast bars” which would be something entirely different.
At El Casa de Herpes, JP arrives and we’re up for our limo montage. There aren’t 25 wimmens, there are 27. GREAT. More names to keep straight. Harrison drops “journey” so drank yo drank. First up is Amy, who talks very fast. Cassandra stares at JP and has nothing to say. Christy is nondescript. Christine brings a gift for JuanSpawn. Nikki brings a stethoscope and has JP listen to her heart. Shantel is a woman of color! Huzzah!!!! Victoria is from Brazil. Lucy’s a barefoot hippie and probably writes love letters to Charles Manson. Awesome. Danielle has my name. Well, that’s a first. Lauren S brings a fucking piano. Chelsie brings a science experiment. Elise smells good, reports JP. Ashley is a first grade teacher and gives JP a gold star. Sadly, she does not stick it on his forehead, as I would.
Commercials. SHEESH. Let’s all take a breather, shall we?
When we come back, a heavily pregnant Clare steps out of a limo. It’s totally fake. JP is sweet enough to say she looks pretty pregnant. FAKE, PEOPLE. SHE WORE A FAKE PREGNANT BELLY AND NO ONE STOPPED HER. Kelly plays soccer. Amy J has a little touch of the Manson Lamps. Renee talks about her son. Lauren is boring. Maggie brings JP a fucking fishing hook and a Southern accent so thick my mom reports that her teeth hurt. Kelly brings her dog. The dog does not poop on JP’s foot, because all species love JP. Alexis is from Florida. Kylie humps JP. Sharleen is a cold fish incapable of smiling and also an opera singer. JP thinks Andi is hotttttttt.
Commercials! “Her” looks like it’s really sad.
All the chicks go apoplectic as JP enters the room and a dance party busts out. There’s a photo booth. Stop it, JP, you’re too cute. I’m not allowed to find you cute, I’m supposed to bust your balls. We meet a few of the chicks again, and Lucy, the Manson Girl, shows her crazy and JP is SCARED and maybe a little turned on. Speaking of crazy, Amy the massage therapist is looney as a birdie.
First impression rose! Everyone goes cuckoo about it. They’re all getting vicious ALREADY. JP can’t remember ANYONE’S name. it’s kind of adorbs. We have our first crier in Lauren H. Cut this one loose, JP, she’s not over her ex and she’s snotting and slobbering all over you.
Commercials! No one gets this excited about a chicken sandwich, Wendy’s.
Lauren H is STILL FUCKING CRYING. She gets one on one time and assures JP that she’s always positive. Yeah, when she’s not sobbing all over the place. Her engagement just broke up a couple of months ago. Wait a minute. So her engagement JUST broke up? Was she filling out the application for the show as she was pulling off the ring? What’s the deal, Lauren? Whatever. She’s toast. Drop her, JP! She’s not over her ex! Cut the damn cord! She blubbers and blah.
Montage of the chicks meeting with JP. Andi, the one that made JP all googoo at the limo gets one on one time. They flirt shamelessly. Sharleen gets the first impression rose, which is a massive mistake, because she’s cold as a Canadian winter and doesn’t really like him. Oh noooooooooooo. This is a fucking disaster. JP thinks this is great. Sharleen looks like she wants to puke on my cats. Worst. First. Impression. Rose. EVER.
Commercials. I can’t get over this. If JP is THIS clueless, it does not bode well for the remainder of the season. Oy vey, Juan Pablo. Seriously, that was a train wreck.
Rose Ceremony! JP charms the pants off everyone. Time to break some hearts. First rose: Clare. Nikki. Renee. Andi. Alli. Shantel. Lauren S with the piano. Kelli with the dog. Cassandra who might be insane. Danielle with my name. Chelsie. Kat. (Kylie thinks he calls her and it’s super awkward) Victoria. Christie. Lucy the Manson Girl. Elise. In swoops Harrison from craft services, still chewing his last bear claw. Last rose. Amy. Harrison boots all the losers. Ahhhh, that separates the wheat from the chaff rather nicely. Everyone piles into the unmarked van to be tossed into the desert, never to be seen again. Lauren H, she of the Sobby McSobberson, weeps some more. Good lordo, get a hold of yourself, woman!
Upcoming highlights: Spit swapping.Crying! Anger! Naked! Backstabbing! Bomb dropping! Even yet more crying! Naked swimming! And the infamous bathroom floor breakdown!!!
And we end with fucking Sean Lowe and JP doing a “cute” “bit” about always being shirtless. GO AWAY, SEAN LOWE.
See ya next week, squirrels!