The Douchelor: Crawling On The Bathroom Floor Is The New Sexy

So we’ve separated the wheat from the chaff, and now it’s time to get down to the seriously crazy. The ladies wax non-poetic about how awesome getting a date would be. Clare doesn’t go to bars or clubs. But she does THIS? Okay. JP scoops up Clare and puts a blindfold on her before zooming away. Kinky. They end up at a Christmas tree yard and JP carries Clare over to the middle of the joint. She’s wigging out. As someone who has been snowed in for the majority of the last couple of months, I’m less enthused than Clare.

Bring it, Jay-Pee

Bring it, Jay-Pee

Back at the house, Lucy the Manson girl is super naked in the pool. Just in case you were wondering.

JP and Clare frolic in the snow, because it’s lovely and nice and magical and no one has to dig their car out at the crack of dawn and grrrr. They ice skate and Clare giggles and swoons. The cats scatter as I start to cough and gag.

Commercials! This is new. We have a border around the screen saying “THE BACHELOR WILL RETURN” during the commercials. Thanks, television, I was a little worried for a second there.

We’re back, and JP takes his shirt off (drink) and they hop in the hot tub. Clare talks about her dad. He was great. He was strong. He’s totally dead. She shut herself off when he died. Okay, that’s sad. JP takes this opportunity to cop a feel under the guise that he wants her to feel safe. Boob grab! Drank! She gets a rose. Shocker. Some hipster plays a guitar in the snow and they dance in their bathing suits. You’re going to get sick if you do that in the snow, you dolts!!! The accompanying piano player would rather be in Gitmo than here. Me too, piano man. Me too.

Commercials! Oh Olivia Wilde. I’m sure you use Revlon and not some billion dollar skin care treatment. My white tattooed ASS.

Kat gets the next date. “I can feel the electricity” sayeth the card. JP saunters into El Casa de Herpes and scoops up Kat to take her to an airport. They go on a private jet and canoodle, not thinking, as I would, about Lynyrd Skynyrd and horrific death via tiny airplane. JP and Kat change into nightmarish 80s style workout clothes complete with neon lights (????) and when they land, they run directly into a rave. It’s called the Electric Run in Salt Lake City, and there’s a lot of jumping and dancing and neon and strobe lights EVERYWHERE. I hope Kat doesn’t have a seizure disorder.

Date card: Amy, Danielle, and Sharleen aren’t getting dates this week. Wah waaaaaaaaaah.

Back at the rave, the music is thumping and the lights and neon are insane. It’s pretty much my worst nightmare come to life. JP drops “adventure” which is this year’s “journey” so act accordingly. He gives Kat the rose and we take leave the rave, hopefully never to speak of it again.

Commercials! My mom IMs me that the two dates thus far have been too safe and booooooooooring and how about some drama, dammit??? Word, mom.

The group date cometh. Kelly, whose profession is “dog lover” thinks the date card “say cheese” either means a photo shoot or eating cheese. She assures us she’s good at both. Oy. It’s a photo shoot with a guy with a bright green goatee. They’ll be paired with PUPPIES!!!! Lucy the Manson girl is worried that a dog will pee on her borrowed shoes. All of the puppies are looking for homes. This whole thing is so sweet I’m sprouting cavities. The outfits are ridic, but the girls are all being good sports. Andi is only wearing a cardboard sign saying “ADOPT” and she’s not exactly happy about it. Fade to black.

Commercials! Bachelorette Emily has finally found love for the next five minutes and will spill about it on GMA tomorrow.  I will not be covering that, for I could not possibly care less.

Andi is still freaking out about basically being naked. She’s a lawyer and this is super uncomfortable for her. Elise is also just wearing signs but gets smart and switches costumes with Manson Girl, who has NO problem being totally naked. Crafty!!!! Of course she then complains about being in a fire hydrant outfit. MAKE UP THY MIND, BEESH. The photo shoot is really cute. Andi is still wigging until JP says he’ll be nakey too, and suddenly she has noooooooo problem with anything. Convenient, that.

Commercials! Oh Cottonelle. “I need a clean alley every time?” REALLY?

Cassandra has a son, and she drops that she’s a momma. JP is super cute about it. Renee almost gets a kiss, but not quite. The girls are getting stressy about the rose, so they drink heavily. Victoria is SHREDDED. She swears she hasn’t even had a full glass of wine, but they obviously forgot about the enormous bottle of vodka in her purse. This should be fun.

Commercials! My mom is getting foul-tempered that there isn’t enough drama. Patience, mama.

Nicki gets one on one time. JP likes that she’s a nurse and takes care of kids. Her hair is a MESS. Don’t get extensions if you can’t take care of them. But whatever. VICTORIA. She’s so drunk it’s embarrassing. She’s yelling and slurring and is a complete disaster. She humps the pool and says she’s going to save JP’s life by giving him the “hymen maneuver.” Take from that what you will. The other girls want her to dig her own grave. She wanders over to where Nicki and JP are talking and swears and walks away again. She wanders to the bathroom and BREAKS DOWN. Renee, who should be up for sainthood,  crawls under the bathroom door to be with her in the stall and Victoria is LOSING HER MIND. Full blown meltdown. She screams that she’s going home. The producers tell her she can’t leave without shoes. She starts running and locks herself in the bathroom again. JEEZIE CHREEZIE.

Commercials, thanks the lordo. The Lego Movie. Is apparently a thing that is happening. Wow.

She’s still in the bathroom, losing her mind. Manson Girl warns JP that Victoria is in the midst of a nervous breakdown. He sweetly calls to her from outside the bathroom stall as she wails and cries. She’s having none of it. He talks to the other girls about it and says he hopes they had a good time, regardless of the psychotic breakdown happening in the next room. The rose goes to Kelly. JP asks the girls to get Victoria home safe. Shantel agonizes “why is he so perfect?” I know, girlfriend. It’s making my job really difficult.

Commercials! Can Samuel L Jackson do every commercial? I would not complain about that.

The girls fret about Victoria while wearing bikinis, as one does. She’s meeting with JP and is magically all better after sobering up. He’s letting her down easy and obviously wants to flee as quickly as possible. She’s talking a good game, but JP basically says that he’s a dad and he has to take this seriously and she’s toast. No need for the rose ceremony. Just leave now, babe. Word, JP.

Commercials! An M&Ms commercial with Juan Pablo. Milk that cash cow, ABC!!!!

Everyone is nervous going into the Rose Ceremony. Cassandra really wants to talk to JP. He tells the ladies that Victoria got the boot. He wants to move on, starting with Amy. She’s a reporter and wants to interview him. It’s awkward and deeply stupid. Sharleen the evil opera singer feels like she was rude the other night, and might be changing her mind. She matter of factly apologizes for being cold to him, and he’s kind of taken aback. Sharleen comes back into the house without us knowing what went on. Cassandra is still freaking out. Her son is only 2 years old and she’s super emotional about the whole thing. My mom dismisses her as a “weepie” because she’s a loving and kind person when it comes to these chicks.

Renee (who is seriously the mom of the group) leads Cassandra upstairs and JP follows. Renee graciously exits and Cassandra weeps about her kid and how weird this all is. JP loves that Cassandra and Renee are mamas, and he sees them differently from the other girls. He’s all lovey dovey and he “gets” Cassandra because she’s putting her son first. We’ll see if she makes the cut. I’m not exactly convinced.

Commercials! I see Chris Pine in the same way I see Channing Tatum. I mean I see the appeal in a general way, but good lordo, They’re like cinder blocks with eyes. Blech.

Rose Ceremony! Kat, Kelly, and Clare already have roses. HARRISON introduces JP and goes back to his seventh martini at craft services. First rose: Cassandra. Nikki. Andi. Elise. Sharleen who looks like she’s about to vomit on my cats. Renee. Danielle with my name who we know zero about. Lucy the Manson Girl. Alison. Chelsie. Lauren. In swoops Harrison. Final rose. Christy. That means Amy and Shantel are gone. Has there ever, EVER been a woman of color to make it to the third episode? Ugh. Shantel cries as she and Amy are led to the unmarked van to never be seen again.

There’s a fodder special on Sunday. We’ll see about that. But definitely see ya next Monday, kiddos! Stay out of the champagne and off the bathroom floor!





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