Blister In The Sun

I have always been pale as a ghost. I barely register in photos, and when I do, I’m either blending in with the white walls, or red from either the sun or embarrassment. When placed in sunlight, I go from white to red in five minutes, and it never fades into a tan. White. Red. Back to white. Goddamn cheap Irish skin.

So when SquirrelBoy suggested an afternoon in the park, I immediately thought “I don’t have SPF 948090, so…no.” But I like SquirrelBoy, and it was a beautiful day, so we went anyway. I was completely overdressed for the park in my short dress and huge platform Chucks, but I persisted! I was going to be a normal person who goes outside and greets nature without scowling and whining! This was A Thing that was going to happen. So we went, and put a blanket in the grass, and sat in the sun listening to Schubert. It was really nice.

Five minutes in:

Him: Baby, are you too hot?

Me: NO! I’m fine! (wipes sweat from upper lip, smiles winningly)

Him: Do you want my shirt?

Me: No! Yes! Okay, maybe that would be a good idea.

Him: I just ask because you’re glowing, and I think you’re already getting red.

Me: Oh, fantastic. Yes, I would like your shirt.

So he draped his shirt over my shoulders and lay down, his skin perfectly bronze in the sun, as I sat huddled under his black t-shirt, trying not to mumble “it burns…it buuuuuuurns!” like Regan does in The Exorcist when exposed to holy water. I fumbled with my blackout sunglasses, since the only part of my body more sensitive to sun than my skin are my eyes, and tried to relax. Then we saw them.

Geese.

I fucking hate geese.

They were lurking by the pond, slowly making their way closer to us, and SquirrelBoy mumbled “fuckin’ geese are coming” as I started to recoil. A goose bit me when I was a kid, and when I was a nanny one CHARGED the little boy I was watching and I had to tackle him out of the way and shield him with my body as this obviously rabid goose tried to attack us. So I am not a fan of geese. Nasty little buggers.

Him: Maybe they don’t like Schubert.

Me: Maybe they don’t like us.

Him: Maybe your skin will blind them.

Me: It’s my mutant power. Ultraviolet skin.

The geese kept their distance, and we watched a couple getting frisky whilst thinking they were being stealth (they weren’t) and SquirrelBoy took some pictures of us with his phone as I sweated through his shirt and my makeup, and decided to make up a story about the frisky couple.

Me: It’s clearly an affair. Look at us, we’re not getting to third base in the middle of a goose poop strewn park. They’re married. And not to each other.

Him: He’s totally getting to third base. There are children here!

Me: I once saw a couple having sex in Boston Common. They weren’t stealthy either. No one plays horsie rides in the middle of a park.

Him: So…

Me: Hmm?

Him: Wanna get to third base?

Me: Ah, no. I do not want to get to third base in a minefield of goose shit. I’m wacky like that.

Him: Killjoy.

Then he put baby oil on his back to roast some more. Baby oil! I’m here wishing I had a bedsheet to wrap completely around myself like a mummy, and boy is BASTING HIMSELF to get tan. I do not understand this. It does not compute. But we had a good time, and didn’t get bitten by geese, and that’s all that matters.

PS to the Friskies: You were really doing that in front of Goddo and everyone, weren’t you? I hope you took showers in bleach afterwards, cause you’re effing covered in goose poo. 

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE SOMEONE WHO ENJOYS THE SUN?

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE SOMEONE WHO ENJOYS THE SUN?

 


Comments

Blister In The Sun — 3 Comments

  1. I am ecstatic you are back, on the mend, and happy! SquirrelBoy seems adorable – I am so glad he is getting you outside. Just invest in some sunblock (Neutrogena beach defense smells the best 🙂 (yes, I only judge sunblock by smell, how else to decide?)

    • I second Neutrogena! The stuff you saw in my front seat the other day is the store brand. I SWEAR BY IT and carry it year round.

      It saved me from a burn for TWO days of Warped Tour. SPF 85 BABY!!

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