Soooooooo, how is everyone? Doing okay? Surviving today’s literal climate (y’all, it is hot. It is SO HOT and I MIGHT melt every time I open the damn door) and the political climate, which is taking quite the heavy toll on so many people, myself included. I’ve been very active in social media, and writing, and then not writing, and I just don’t feel right when I’m not writing, so in the interest of making y’all laugh, because we ALL need a tiny, glimmering drop of laughter in the midst of all the pain of the world, I give you something I wrote on my birthday last month and has just been floating in the ether. I hope it can give you a little respite from the world’s problems, if only for a moment. So in closing, may I just say in the immortal words of our friend Jerry Springer, “Take care of yourselves, and each other.”
And now without further ado, I present…
HOW TO PUT ON SHAPEWEAR IN 20 EASY STEPS
So you’ve bought some Shapewear™! Congratulations! I have compiled a simple to-do list to make the most of your exciting new purchase.
- Remove Shapewear™ from shopping bag. Save plastic bag. (More on this later)
- Inspect Shapewear™ . Look at this product. Seems…impossibly small, correct? Ponder what on earth possessed you to purchase this product. Look over at the cute new dress you bought along with the Shapewear™ . Remember why you bought this impossibly small, very strangely constructed product.
- Cautiously place feet through the Shapewear™ . Mutter aloud “This is never going to work. I got a C- in Physics, but I KNOW this is not going to work. Stand in front of mirror with the Shapewear™ puddled at feet. Contemplate your place in the universe. Contemplate the directions you will go in once you have mastered Shapewear™ . Grab Shapewear™ and start tugging it over your legs, northward towards your waist.
- Swear a lot.
- Pull, wiggle your legs, pull more, feel the Shapewear™ adhere to your legs in a sheen of sweat. Curse the concept of summer.
- Hop to the air conditioner. Crank it to High. Hop to the fan. Crank it to High. Feel exactly zero change in the temperature of the room. Swear some more.
- Do an interpretive dance in the manner of a pre-schooler who needs to use the bathroom as you pull the crotch of the Shapewear™ between your legs. Scream in victory as the Shapewear is now flush with your underpants. Observe that the remainder of the Shapewear™ lies limply around your waist. Realize you have won the battle, but the war rages on.
- Give the Shapewear™ a pep talk. Encourage it to be proud of itself and do the job it was created to do. Yell aloud to an empty room that this is CLEARLY the wrong size but that you will continue to put it on, as this is now your mission. NAY, your QUEST. You will not be defeated by this sick, twisted product of misery.
- Pull, yank, tug, beg, bargain, lather, rinse, repeat.
- Lather, rinse, repeat again.
- Cry a little.
- What is this? The Shapewear™ is moving! It’s actually going over your stomach and torso!
- Pull. Pull harder. Scream aloud to an empty room “This! IS! SPARTA!!!!” as you triumphantly pull the Shapewear™ over your entire torso.
- Try to catch your breath. This is impossible due to the Shapewear™ .
- Model the Shapewear™ in the mirror. Feel insufferably smug.
- Realize you have to go to the bathroom. Feel the cold wind of the air conditioner wailing “There are nooooo snaaaaaaaaps in the crooooooooootch of the Shapeweaaaaaaaaaaar™ ” Realize that you are the one wailing.
- Rip the Shapewear™ off your body. Throw it in the plastic bag. Fling the bag across the room.
- Eat Gummi Bears™ naked in front of the air conditioner.