Me: Here’s dinner.
Lulu: Excuse me, what is that?
Me: It’s your dinner, fatty. Eat it.
Lulu: No. Boys? DON’T EAT IT.
Me: What is this Mickey Mouse shit?
Lulu: You dare. YOU DARE to give us this?
Me: Sigh. Yes, it’s kibble. Just eat it, please.
Lulu: I hate you.
Me: Listen. The wet food will come tomorrow. I’ll go to the store. Everything will be fine. Just eat the damn kibble.
Lulu: No. *collapses*
Me: If you want to act like you’re a famine victim, it’s YOUR problem. You’re zaftig enough. You can go a night without eating. I’m getting your regular food tomorrow, dammit.
Lulu: I’m sorry, did you say something? I’m dead, you know.
Me: Listen, Sarah Bernhardt, that’s quite enough out of you. Oh look, you’re too late anyway. The boys ate it all. Because they’re not MADE OF HATE.
Lulu: oh son of a bitch! I was going to eat that as soon as you left the room!
Me: serves you right, bitch.
Lulu: I’m going to kill you in your sleep.