In honor of the New Kids on the Block (NKOTB if you’re nasty) reunion, I just HAVE to re-post an extraordinary IM conversation from way back between K-Bat and myself, wherein a chance encounter dissolves into discussing punk rock history with Jordan Knight, inviting him to go to K-Bat’s office Christmas party, and ultimately convincing him to commit suicide. So without further ado, Ladies and Gentleman: The Jordan Knight Conversation.
KristaBat: i’m drunk.
missbanshee: you are!??
KristaBat: from last night.
missbanshee: very nice
KristaBat: guess who i made friends w/ last night?
missbanshee: Shut. The fuck. Right. Up.
KristaBat: ha ha hahahhhaaa!
KristaBat: i was so fucking drunk and he was at the
KristaBat: and i pretended i didn’t know who he was!
missbanshee: that is fucking AWESOME!
KristaBat: i was like, “did you go to emerson? you
look really familiar”
missbanshee: You fucking RULE
KristaBat: and then i talked to him about like, fugazi
missbanshee: oh my holy god, that is the funniest thing
of all time
KristaBat: i’m laughing SO hard right now. all by
myself. at work.
missbanshee: how gee-ross is he now?
KristaBat: and wearing like, swishy pants
missbanshee: Oh my GOD
missbanshee: this is the greatest story of all fucking time
KristaBat: fucking JORDAN KNIGHT!
missbanshee: Swishy pants!
missbanshee: At the Linwood!
missbanshee: With YOU!!!!
missbanshee: oh nmy god, it;s so funny i might shit my
missbanshee: My mouth, it hangs open
KristaBat: i’m like, crying right now.
missbanshee: That is so fucking unbelievable
missbanshee: Ha! You talked about Fugazi with Jordan
KristaBat: oh god.
KristaBat: yeah i was like, ” NKOTB? that’s so funny
that you were in that group…
KristaBat: and i totally pretended like i DIDN’T know
every word to every song…
missbanshee: WHICH YOU DO!
KristaBat: I KNOW!
KristaBat: i swear, my sister was going to crap
missbanshee: MEEM WAS THERE?!?!?!!
missbanshee: I’m openly weeping with the laughter
KristaBat: oh my god, i’m crying. i tried to make him
come to CHARLIE’S!
missbanshee: STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!!!!!!!
KristaBat: oh myh god, i’m CRYING!!!
missbanshee: Did he put those sweet sweet NKOTB
moves on you?
KristaBat: alas, no, i don’t think he did.
missbanshee: I’d quote lyrics, but I honestly always
KristaBat: or he may have..
missbanshee: perhaps he’s gee
KristaBat: i really don’t remember,
KristaBat: could be gee.
missbanshee: swishy pants, after all
KristaBat: true dat.
KristaBat: i’m so not doing work right now.
missbanshee: This? Is the greatest thing ever
missbanshee: Dude. Jordan motherfucking Knight. You
should have asked him if Danny still looks like a chimp.
missbanshee: “So Jordan, do you, in the privacy of your
own home, like, still dress up in your 8-Ball leather
jacket and acid-washed jeans and try to remember all
the old choreography?”
missbanshee: “Do you call Donnie and try to get him to
hook you up with some poon?”
missbanshee: “He was really good in all those movies.
He’s been in a lot of movies, Donnie has. Did you go
KristaBat: dude. stop!
missbanshee: “I heard Joey’s on a tv show, Jordan.
Have you seen Joey on the tv show? Like, every week
he’s on it.”
KristaBat: i’m like, laughing maniacally right now.
missbanshee: “Dude, at least you don’t look like a
chimp, Jordan. That’s all I’m saying.”
missbanshee: “Jordan, please stop crying.”
KristaBat: i wish i remembered more of what actually
missbanshee: I’m fine with making it up…
KristaBat: fucking JORDAN KNIGHT!!!
KristaBat: so SO funny.
KristaBat: oh god.
missbanshee: Utter brilliance.
KristaBat: must do work now.
missbanshee: Yeah, cut and paste this fucker and send
it to Joe
missbanshee: Your Joe, not Joey McIntyre
missbanshee: although with your new connection with
Jordan, I’m sure we could get it to him too
KristaBat: i definitely called him last night about it.
missbanshee: check all your pockets for the digits,
KristaBat: oh my GOD.
missbanshee: “Krista, it was so good to meet you.
Please don’t go, girl. Love and kisses, Jordan Knight.
PS: Please call me. Please. PLEASE.
KristaBat: oh my god. please… don’t go girl…
please… don’t go girl…
missbanshee: I’m collapsing with laughter
KristaBat: jordan and jon.
missbanshee: You know ALL THE LYRICS.
KristaBat: we got a funky funky christmas goin on
missbanshee: You had a denim jacket COVERED
missbanshee: you kissed them EVERY DAY
KristaBat: i’m crying.
KristaBat: i liked joe the best though
missbanshee: You whispered your secrets into your
JORDAN KNIGHT PILLOWCASE
KristaBat: i’m convulsing.
missbanshee: Joey? He was a FETUS! And
KristaBat: i can’t even breathe
missbanshee: Holy shit, you should have taken Jordan
Knight back to Big House
KristaBat: oh my god.
missbanshee: casually walked into the living room in
your NKOTB pajamas
KristaBat: “what? these old things?”
missbanshee: You could take Jordan Knight to
KristaBat: or my christmas party.
missbanshee: “Cusraque, this is my very dear friend
KristaBat: oh MYGOD! the tears!
missbanshee: Cusraque goes apoplectic, cause you
know he was a closet NKOTB lover
missbanshee: Taking Jordan Knight to The Model…
missbanshee: I’m going to pee myself
KristaBat: yeah dude. that would have been too
much for the model to handle.
KristaBat: like, jordan knight and amy mann would
have been in the same room.
missbanshee: “So, Jordan Knight, since I’m assuming
your schedule is rather sparse, do you want to come to
my office Christmas party?”
KristaBat: it’s at the science museum. i like science.
do you like science?
KristaBat: liking science is funny.
missbanshee: Asking Jordan Knight if he likes science is
KristaBat: sayign jordan knight over and over is the
funniest thing EVER.
KristaBat: oh god.
missbanshee: I’m going to have a heart attack
KristaBat: i must do work.
KristaBat: but i can’t.
missbanshee: NO! Jordan Knight doesn’t want you to
missbanshee: Please don’t go, girl!”
KristaBat: but then i’ll never get to leave this
KristaBat: you’re my popsicle.
KristaBat: from the very first time i met you girl you
KristaBat: tured me.
missbanshee: “Hey, Jordan Knight, can you make
Christmas party a very funky one?”
KristaBat: so good!
missbanshee: I’m in danger of losing all bodily functions
missbanshee: “Hey Jordan Knight! You made me shit
missbanshee: “I must say, Jordan Knight, that’s pretty
KristaBat: he WAS at the linwood after all.
missbanshee: “I like punk rock. Do you like punk rock,
KristaBat: do you like FUGA-21? i like FUGA-21.
missbanshee: “Hey, Jordan Knight, so can we talk
about how Donnie is like, hot and rugged and in tons of
tv shows and movies and has lots of tattoos and is
probably getting more poon than he knows what to do
KristaBat: hot and rugged.
KristaBat: Jordan Knight is such a loser!
KristaBat: oh shit.
missbanshee: “Hey! Hey, Jordan Knight, what about
that solo career? Do you remember the video with the
ferris wheel, Jordan Knight? I do.”
KristaBat: You know what Jordan Knight?
KristaBat: You’ve got the right stuff.
KristaBat: love the way you turn me on.
missbanshee: The right stuff to make me pee myself
KristaBat: you got the right stuff.
KristaBat: you’re the REASON WHY I SING THIS
missbanshee: “Hey, Jordan Knight, just thinking about
you made me throw up a little.”
KristaBat: don’t worry. i swallowed it.
missbanshee: I did that for you, Jordan Knight
missbanshee: You know what, K-Bat?
missbanshee: You’ve got the right stuff, baby
KristaBat: dude. i know the fucking DANCE
missbanshee: “Well, look at it this way, Jordan Knight.
You could always hang yourself like Jonathan Brandis.
People would remember you then.”
missbanshee: “Never forget about suicide, Jordan
KristaBat: it’s really the only way.
missbanshee: It’s really your only option, Jordan
missbanshee: Do it, Jordan Knight. Get the rope.
KristaBat: here Jordan Knight, let me kick that chair
out from under you…
missbanshee: You have nothing to live for anymore,
Jordan Knight. Go with a little dignity. On your own
terms and all
missbanshee: Do it.
KristaBat: i mean, you’re already wearing swishy
KristaBat: who cares if you shit yourself…
missbanshee: there’s nowhere to go now but down
missbanshee: you’re already giving hummers for crank,
Jordan Knight, don’t think we don’t know
KristaBat: i’m in a band called hummers for crank.
KristaBat: do you want to be in my band?
missbanshee: crying again…
KristaBat: here, Jordan Knight, have a tambourine.
KristaBat: i don’t think i’ve laughed this hard in
missbanshee: Shake that thang, Jordan Knight.
missbanshee: neither have I
missbanshee: I can barely see
KristaBat: me either.
KristaBat: i have so much work to do too!
missbanshee: SO DO I!
missbanshee: a little bit
KristaBat: what a fucking gay-ass name!!
missbanshee: Well, think of it this way. Even as he’s
swinging from a noose, covered in his own poo…
missbanshee: At least he didn’t look like a chimp.
KristaBat: when he was in NKOTB he used to have
to go out and wear “a hat and glasses”
KristaBat: so girls wouldn’t recognize him.
missbanshee: Krista, he had to travel INCOGNITO
missbanshee: Like a SPY
missbanshee: Jordan Knight, were you really a spy?
KristaBat: and last night i was totally talking to him
about like Husker Du and Bob Mould’s solo career!
missbanshee: Did he have ANY idea what you were
missbanshee: I can’t believe he OUTED himself as
missbanshee: I would have been like, uh, my name’s
KristaBat: i KNOW!
he was like, “i was the LEAD SINGER in new kids on
missbanshee: “Seriously, Jordan Knight, it’s time to get
KristaBat: i’m going to fall out of my chair.
missbanshee: we need to stop
missbanshee: for a bit
KristaBat: more later.
missbanshee: saving conversation…now
KristaBat: me too!
KristaBat: oh god.