People have asked me if my Actual Conversation with my mom was real, to which I replied “Oh lordy, yes, please send Valium” but then I started thinking about my dad, and our “conversations.” To be completely fair, I adore my dad, and my daddoo and I have fantastic conversations face to face, but on the phone? Let’s just say that both of my parents have…issues…with talking on the phone. For very different reasons. Example!
Me: Hi! Dad?
Me: How are you?
Dad: Mmm? Fine.
Empty Conversation Space: (…….)
Me: So! Dad! What’s going on?
Empty Conversation Space: (………)
Me: So…Um…How’s work? Your students cool this semester?
Dad: Hmm. Pains in the ass.
Me: Great! Uh…And everything else? Anything?
Dad: Mmm? Fine.
Empty Conversation Space: Jeeeeeezus Keeeeee-rist. Make the pain stop.
Me: OH! Oh! Got it! The dog! How’s the dog?
Dad: Pain in the ass.
Me: Oh. Okay. So…anything else?
Empty Conversation Space: Thank God.
Me: Oooookay! Um…Talk to you later?
Empty Conversation Space: GET ON WITH IT ALREADY! YOU’RE KILLING ME! HANG UP THE DAMN PHONE!
Me: Well, I was just calling to say that my hair is on fire and lizards are raining from the sky. Nothing important.
Dad: Mmmhmm. That’s nice. I’ll tell your mother you called. Loveyabye. *CLICK*
Me: Nice? Talking to you? Hello? Um…Okay. Bye! Love you! Hello? Oh, forget it.
Me: Well, I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’m leaning towards a diagnosis of histrionic personality disorder and/or bipolar I with psychotic features, with a possible dual diagnosis of substance abuse that is exacerbated by post-partum depression and/or psychosis. I don’t have the exact DSM-IV codes as of yet, but I’d be happy to get them for you if it is necessary for charts and such.
The World: Dude. It’s Britney Spears. Is that fancy talk for “batshit crazy?”
Me: *sigh* Yes. Yes it is. You know, I spent a LOT of money to go to grad school and learn those fancy words, dammit.
The World: You need a hobby, girl.
Me: So…you’re saying you don’t need those codes?
( I assure you that my mother was dead sober during this conversation, and that her phone talents are like this on any given day. She’s cool like that.)
Me: Hi! Mom?
Mom: HELLO?!??!!? HOLD ON!!!!
Me: Um, okay.
Me: Mom? Hello? Are you okay? I only need a min-
Mom: THERE’S A COP. I CAN’T BE ON THE CELL. CAN YOU HEAR ME????
Me: Why are you…why is there…please stop yelling, I can call you later-
Mom: NO! I CAN TALK! I’VE GOT THE PHONE ON THE PASSENGER SEAT!
Me: Wow. Fantastic. Mom, why don’t I just call you ba-
Mom: CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY’RE BUILDING A DRUGSTORE NEXT TO ANOTHER DRUGSTORE!?!? I’M GOING TO THE DRUGSTORE! YOU KNOW, THE FIRST ONE!
Me: Mom? I’m gonna call you back. Try not to crash the car or get arrested or anythin-
Mom: I’M FINE! WHAT DO YOU NEED?!!??!
Me: Just wanted to know when you are-
Mom: DID YOU EAT TODAY?!?!?!
Me: Yes, mom, I ate today. Just wanted to know when you and Dad are-
Mom: WHAT DID YOU EAT? CARBOHYDRATES? THEY HELP YOUR REFLUX, YOU KNOW!
Me: Mom, I ate. I ate carbohydrates. I ate both cats and half the population of Savannah. I just wanted to know-
Mom: I WORRY WHEN YOU DON’T EAT
Me: Mom, please, I swear to every deity ever imagined that I ate. I just wanted to know when you and Dad were-
Mom: OH, THE COP IS GONE!
Me: Fabulous. Does that mean less yelling?
Mom: What? What are you talking about? What do you need?
Me: My eardrums thank you.
Mom: What are you talking about? Did you eat today? Was it healthy?
Me: *slamming face repeatedly against wall*
Me: OHMYGOD, I JUSTWANTEDTOKNOWWHENYOUANDDADARECOMINGBACKFROMVACATIONAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Mom: There’s no need to shout.
Back right after the dinosaurs, I started reading blogs. Through a scroll-and-click process lost to history, I came upon a woman who was trying to get pregnant. She was hilarious and her blog was fantastic, and I’ve been reading it for years. Through her blog, I started reading other womens’ blogs – all of them about trying to get and STAY pregnant. I read with tears streaming down my cheeks through miscarriage and miscarriage and still more miscarriages like I actually knew these women. I had nothing in common with the process (those who know me know that my sex life? HA! Let’s move on, shall we?) but my heart ached every time there was bad news, and I have learned far more than I should know about problems with pregnancies. I got to the point wherein when one of the bloggers, or someone I knew in real life would announce that she was pregnant, I followed the process with all fingers crossed (makes it hard to type) and the same internal dialogue I have had whenever I see or hear an airplane since 9/11. “Stay up. Stay safe. Please, please, please.”
That said, I am over the moon to report that Olivia Grace came into the world perfectly healthy and safe on November 1. She and her mom are great, and Olivia looks just like her mama and her Uncle Stevil. I can’t wait to meet her.