Dear Sir:
Thank you for responding to my post on OK Cupid. It was the first response I got after re-activating my account after over two years, and I was delighted that someone wrote to me. Dating is very hard these days, if you take into account the economy, drama with exes (especially at our age, right?) and everyday stress. I was hesitant to say the least about dipping my toe in the dating pool again, and the whole thing makes me feel very emotionally vulnerable. I’m just looking for a good guy, you know?
So when you popped up on my mail, I eagerly opened it. Now, before I get into your message, let me just say that I am sure you are a very nice person, and perhaps your message was written after a bender, or you were delirious from lack of sleep, or maybe you’re on more medication than I am. Those are the only reasons I can think of that would cause you to write to a complete stranger on a dating site and say the following:
“Hey mami, I’d love to stuff your turkey, LOL”
Sir, I have a few things to say about your no doubt well thought out email. For one, you are very topical about my “turkey” being that tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Very clever? Also, I’m glad that you “LOL’ed” at your comment, which was rude, gross, inappropriate, and laughable. I am not your “mami” and I have no desire for you to “stuff my turkey.” Also, if you’re really looking to date, may I suggest that you do not refer to vaginas as “turkeys?” Just a tip from me to you.
Anyway, I hope you have a lovely holiday and find someone who will let you “stuff” her. That person will not be me. Good day, sir.
Regards,
Miss Banshee
if I get any more of these messages, I’m going back to trolling bars
Y’all? I am having too much fun. First, I dyed my hair.
No big deal, right? Then I thought “Hmm. Something’s amiss here. Let me think. Who am I thinking of?
No…that’s not it. I mean, it’s pretty accurate, but that’s not who I was thinking of.
Hmm, that’s closer. But no…there’s just someone I’m thinking of, and I just…wait!
YES! Robert Smith. Aw, Uncle Robert. I love you so much. In fact…
Behold, my MAD Photoshop skillz!
Me: Help! HEEEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEE!!!
The Muse: Shh. We’re watching Entertainment Tonight.
Me: No! You have to help me! It’s time for writing and I don’t know what to say!
The Muse: Sigh. So don’t write.
Me: No. No way. I talked all about how important it is to write every day and I’m not going to be a hypocrite.
The Muse: Um, I’m really trying to watch TV right now.
Me: Dammit, you just lounge around all day and I ask you for one simple favor…
The Muse: Cry me a river, diva-girl.
Me: Why are you so nasty today? You’re supposed to be the good, creative, HELPFUL part of me.
The Muse: We can bitch about the American Music Awards. Look at Bieber. What a disgrace to music.
Me: I absolutely refuse to write about Justin freaking Bieber.
The Muse: Why not?
Me: Because I am not 12 years old, that’s why. And let me tell you something.
The Muse: I smell a rant coming on.
Me: Damn right. Let me tell you this for free. When I was 12 and everyone had New Kids on the Block posters in their lockers, what did *I* have in my locker?
The Muse: Aerosmith.
Me: AEROSMITH. Because even at 12, I knew good vs. bad music.
The Muse: Get off your high horse. You totally would have made out with Donnie Wahlberg.
Me: …
The Muse: YOU WOULD HAVE.
Me: *mumbles* He was the bad boy.
The Muse: Ah HA! J’accuse!
Me: Oh go to hell.
The Muse: And you would have made out with Sebastian Bach, Nikki Sixx and Slash.
Me: Shit, I STILL want to make out with Baz and Nikki. Not much has changed there.
The Muse: You wonder and ponder and bitch and moan about your sorry excuse for a love life and yet you will not let the damn bad boy thing go. You know what the secret is to bad boys?
Me: I don’t want to hear it.
The Muse: THEY’RE BAD.
Me: How did we get on this topic? I don’t want to talk about my non-existent love life.
The Muse: It all comes back to The Biebs.
Me: IT MOST CERTAINLY DOES NOT.
The Muse: Yes it does. We went from the Biebs to Donnie to Nikki Sixx and now we’re here. And that timeline is more than a little disturbing, by the way.
Me: I’m an enigma like that.
The Muse: You’re a huge weirdo, more like it.
Me: Listen, let’s get off the topic of boys, okay? It’s depressing.
The Muse: So what do you want to talk about? Oh wait, don’t tell me. You want to talk about your hair.
Me: Well it’s time.
The Muse: Time for what? You had it perfect like, one week ago. You want to ruin it now?
Me: Now it’s too long.
The Muse: In the nano-millimeter it grew from last week to now? NOW it’s too long?
Me: Too long.
The Muse: You’re just going to get it cut and hate it. You do this EVERY TIME.
Me: And I need to dye it. I’m thinking fire engine red.
The Muse: I’m thinking you’ll hate it in two days and dye it black again.
Me: You’re so NEGATIVE.
The Muse: You’re so PREDICTABLE.
Me: This is going nowhere.
The Muse: I have one more thing to say.
Me: Great. By all means. You have the floor.
The Muse: If you don’t spike up your hair? You totally look like The Biebs.
Me: I hate you.
Zap: Hello hello.
Me: Hola! Whatcha doin’?
Zap: Working. What are you doing?
Me: Trying to think of something to write on the blog tonight.
Zap: Write about how I’m awesome.
Me: Okay. Zap is awesome. The end.
Zap: Ha Ha.
Me: I’m totally doing this, by the way. This whole thing is going on the internet.
Zap: Use the picture of me licking the laserdisc.
Me: Really?
Zap: Totally.
Me: Okay!
Me: Okay, that picture is hilarious. You’re a sexy beast.
Zap: LOL
Me: HOTT. I’m getting all twitterpated.
Zap: I’m the only person in the world with laserdiscs. I’m awesome.
Me: We covered that already.
Zap: Say it again.
Me: I’m gonna say you’re very pushy with the compliments.
Zap: This is going to be the greatest blog entry EVER.
Me: Pretty much. Although I have to confess that you’re merely a pawn because I can’t think of a proper entry.
Zap: This IS a proper entry!
Me: Not really. But I’m rolling with it.
Zap: Are you really writing all this down?
Me: Yep. Well, except for the parts I’m making up. Artistic licence and all.
Zap: What are you making up?
Me: You’ll have to read it. Haha, I’m making you read my blog, which you never do because you’re full of hate and angry bees.
Zap: Well of course I’ll read it.
Me: Aw, that’s nice.
Zap: It’s about ME!
Me: Oh lord.
Zap: So when are you going to come visit me?
Me: When I get my car back. We’ll watch movies and veg out.
Zap: Excellent. So what other things will you write about me?
Me: That you’re a total creepster.
Zap: !!!!!!
Me: Kidding. But not really. No, really. Maybe. You’ll have to see.
Zap: I’m not a creepster, I’m awesome.
Me: We’ve already ESTABLISHED THAT.
Zap: Okay, I have to go work.
Me: Okay, I have to type this out. Muahahahah. You are at my mercy!
Zap: Hey, what are you really—
Me: OKAY BYE!
Zap: Fuck.
Hello! Today we’re going to do something different. I’ve gotten a lot of requests for a tutorial on eye makeup, so here goes. This is a design I made up called “Moonshine”.
First, you need supplies. A good foundation and pressed powder, black eyeliner (I prefer a pot and brush, it makes for a good line without the mess of a liquid) and black mascara. For the colors, I’m using Maybelline Color Tattoo in Asphalt, Gold, Pomegranate, and White.
So. Now wash your face and MOISTURIZE. You’ll look like this.
Next, lightly apply foundation, blend well, and finish with pressed powder. Make sure you use the products on your eyelids!
Next, cover your lids with the Charcoal shadow. Don’t worry if it’s a little uneven, we’re going to be doing a lot of blending.
Now, smudge the gold on. Start at the edge of your eye farthest from your nose and blend towards your nose. The gold should be above the charcoal on your lids, and heavier on the outside edge. Blend well.
Now, fill in your brows, line your eyes with your black liner, in a cateye shape, and pile on the mascara. You want lashes galore. Carefully line your bottom lashline with black, and smudge some Pomegranate shadow with the liner on the bottom.
Now take the white shadow and blot it into the inside edge of your eyes, blending it into the liner on the top and bottom.
Congratulations! You have successfully created “Moonshine”. Remember, the most important thing about makeup is PRACTICE. Use a gentle makeup remover and try over and over. Experiment. Do whatever makes you feel sassy. And have fun!
So we’re officially 16 days into NaBloPoMo, and I have to say, even though not everything I’ve written has been exactly Shakespeare, I’m glad that I’m doing the project. As writing professors and even Stephen King have said, write every day. Put the pen to the paper. Put your fingers on the keyboard and WRITE. And since the blog has been kind of sporadic in the last six months or longer due to my incessant hospitalizations, etc, having a prompt to write every day (EVERY DAY) has been rather refreshing.
But of course, as is the case with everything on the internet, NaBloPoMo has come under some criticism. “Fine, write every day if you want, but don’t publish something if you think it’s rubbish” seems to be the common thread. And I get that. Some of my stuff has been fluffy, or borderline incoherent, or bad haikus. But I’m not sitting here with 500 words a day with my finger over the “publish” button and debating whether or not what I’ve written is good enough for the internet. I mean, y’all read me. Sometimes I’m navel-gazing, sometimes I’m goofy, sometimes I post pictures of cats.
Bums. Complete Bums.
So anyway, y’all know this blog is all over the place, and you keep coming back anyway, so hell, I’m going to keep writing it the way I want to. I’ll finish NaBloPoMo, and maybe I’ll keep posting every day, maybe I’ll take a little break. Who knows? Hell, maybe I’ll convert this into a makeup tutorial blog, because look what I managed to do yesterday:
I did it myself!
The point is, I don’t feel like I have to create a masterpiece every time I publish a blog post. Some people have argued that if it’s not your best work, why publish it? Well I don’t think I’ve come close to my “best work” in ANYTHING I’ve done yet. Hell, I don’t even know what my “best work” will be. I just know that I write because I HAVE to write. Not because of some internet project, but if I didn’t sit down to a blank screen every day and let some of the shit that goes on in my head OUT, I’d explode. So that’s why I’m not going to be deterred in NaBloPoMo because it’s not my “best work.” It’s my brain droppings, (props to the late, great George Carlin) and that’s why I made the damn blog in the first place. Not because I was making mind-blowing ART OMG, IT’S GENIUS ART YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND MY MUSE, MAN, but because I love writing, and y’all are kind enough to read it. And if no one read my stuff, I’d keep writing it anyway. To be completely honest, I have no idea at all how many people read this blog. I gave up on checking stats years ago. I know my beloved little squirrels, and I know myself, and I KNOW that I’ll keep writing no matter what.
And that’s the truth. Pbbbbbbbbbbblt.
You got it right, Edith Ann
Eyelids are heavy
Grey’s Anatomy is on
The Queen Of Mean Rules
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NaBloPoMo, Yeah
You know you’re kicking my ass
Y U not relent?
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This post is cheating
Syllables fall like raindrops
Haiku is easy
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I have a crush on
An inappropriate guy
Goo goo eyes is all
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Eyelids are drooping
Sorry this blog post is lame
Five Seven Five – GO!